Humbled

I felt like a rug had been swept under me when not once but twice I hadn't  gotten a job offer.
If anything I needed to revaluate the way I had been interviewing and fix it.

Fix this loss of words and the way my brain would completely blank when it came to answering the most important question to this job application.

To be quite honest, I see what I want to do and I can't seem to get my skills there because of how distracted I am and putting everyone else before me.

Thats the funny thing about unemployment, you're absolutely dying to see what else is out there but also knowing that you ultimately need to be realistic about where you'd applying to.

I knew I was in trouble when it took three days to hear back, the swell of hopelessness replacing the smugness of telling myself it was meant to be.

Truth was, I think we all have to be able to royaly mess up and this is my era. This is me at one of my lowest since highschool. Truthfully however, no matter how much I hate myself, starve myself. I still have to pay rent. I still need a reason to get out of bed in the morning and see shiny new faces of potential future employees. Dropping friends names, isn't going to help and I have to be able to understand the mechanics of describing what I do or else i'm wasting my time.

Orphan Black

Sometimes I just need silence.
I need to put the phone away, close facebook and learn something new.

I have been masking a lot of stuff recently but the only common factor is me. How lucky am I to make it to 29? My birthday is a week from now and I try to focus on the goals that lie ahead but i've felt very sad recently.

I tried to call my benefits office but as per usual they are closed. I don't really want to discuss my need for a therapist in an open break room and so here we are.

alone.

Noise.

I sat on my bed today, wiping my face and putting my duvet back together.
Four days away and my apartment was a tip, I washed dishes, vacuumed and rearranged my bed.
I looked at my cat who mewed quietly at me and I wondered.
Why am I not happy right now?

Long beach cradled me in a pillow of warmth, sun, side kisses on the cheek, hugs and validation. I came home missing the grey skies and realizing that much of my time is carried out on my own.
I can't stress enough that I built this life for myself with so much help from my Grandmother and Aunt but the interviews, the jobs, the talking and the networking was me.

The high of highs comes with the low of lows. When playtime is over and you have to go back to work and struggling a bit, I didn't miss that part.

That hustle has it's dips and it's rises. That need for validation, to create but to stifle yourself because you're just not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, enough.

I don't want pity.
I really don't know what I want.
I sat at my break looking up from my phone.
I am so lucky to have this job but my energy is always low.
They don't call it a hustle for no reason.

I guess I have to keep carving away at my path.
I'm not done yet.

Micro aggressions

The way that I handle mistakes is so different then when I was a child, I feel as though when I was younger my behavior was far more like a sponge. I absorbed, I learned, I would fuck up and move on.

Today anxiety is much less forgiving , today I hopped on the bus at what I thought was a decent hour to get to work on time. (7:17) I sat on the bus drifting, my brain reduced to MIssy Elliot mush. When I looked back at my phone and in shock it was 8:36.

I was late to work. Again.

My boss said nothing but this isn't the time to be fucking up the only job I have. I got to work enraged with myself, I spent almost two hours mulling over how I had fucked up and just hyper focused on my job.

Later in the evening I was given contradictory instructions. Prior to what a previous colleague told me, I grit my teeth and agreed to complete it as it is expected swallowing Down a very solid pill that my time for learning and mistakes is very near its end. I am impressing no one, especially not myself.

Yes I've found flaws but with contradictory explanations my head is reeling.

So on top of not being a golden child anymore at work I go to my "thing" and the tension is so thick. There is no break to make it better, I can't make it better. I can't fix it and it gets to me. It's even more painful when after a verbal whiplash somehow anything is supposed to get us excited.

I have my self doubts, I have my self doubts about so many things, what I dare to put on the Internet and the passions I pursue that don't love me back. I don't feel love, real love, I feel pleasure in what I gave up, gave in. 

What a shitty feeling. That truly makes me question why I'm doing this because I haven't done many things for myself in a long time. 

Take a break

I guess much like Hamilton i'm not very good at this. For the first time in a while I had a weekend where I was not obligated to go to a Charity Event since I had already put my hand in to help design.
I ended up volunteering myself because I really don't know what to do with myself if I'm not waking up at an unreasonable hour on a Saturday.

One day i'll learn.
Today I woke up and my left eye felt like it was on fire so today at work is going to be interesting.
Last night was the first meet up with HOLA an organization for the representation of the latino community on the Microsoft campus. I felt honored, I felt moved to be there and see these people speak. Speak with accents, without accents and just this rainbow of latino's on stage.

I never saw a piece of myself reflected here, only some of the janitors, politely smiling at me as they worked their faces off but never another full time employee.

until yesterday.

Must be love on the brain

Last night I had a very vivid dream and mind you it might of had something to do with Fear The Walking dead episode the night previous, however, In the dream I was sobbing I was wrapping paper towels around a pipe and talking about the fact that even if it was still leaking it was useful. It's fixable and that it's still important. I know that is a bit tacky to still believe in dream interpretation but as I was looking this up I see that dreaming is a way for most of us to be able to express feelings we've repressed, over the course of the last three weeks I have been unable to supress my unhappiness with my own attitude. Adjusting to this new schedule has been a challenge for me with the mental and especially physically. What I haven't talk about is the fact that my body is very ..well adjusted Adjusted to a particular schedule and when I shifted that to an hour earlier i'm not going to lie it fucked me up. Around 1-2pm I get woefully sleepy, I know i've made alot of little mistakes at work and I cannot help but feel as though i'm more irritating then ever I feel like the problem child in math class.

Anyhow, to dream of fixing pipes however was another thing. In dreaming this is not always literal, Zipping in and out of the other window I see something that reflects so heavily within myself. The leaking of water means the release of emotions or the loss of power. Prior to transferring I was a lead trainer, I was on my way to becoming a lead and I gave that up willingly for a higher title and paycheck. I don't regret the transition but I do miss my teammates. The other supervisor at my current job that I really did think was super nice is gone and i'm sort of left afraid to ask questions and feel like a burden.

I have felt like a burden.

The spirit

I'm starting to watch things unravel as i create space for myself. No one was going to give me that job, that title, that opportunity I had to earn it, ask for it and put myself ahead of everything. Relationships, Family and sanity.

I'm still struggling, I can help but notice the irony of working in a multi billion dollar company and having nothing to eat.

I talked myself out of using my credit card for Nordstrom cafe this morning. I woke up later than I normally do just to sleep.

I just want to rest my eyes for just a moment on this bus and forget how hungry I am.

Again? Yeah again. I can't blame it on just being bad with money or irresponsibility .

I can't ask for help. My pride won't allow it. 

Take a break

Making eye contact with strangers was always hard for me. Does he see how handsome he is? Afraid that someone will hit me if I stare too long, quietly question where they got their shoes or whether it will rain today.

There is beauty in pondering and the art of the flirt. I am terrible at doing that intentionally, I can't force it.

Yesterday there was a thunder storm, I was too drunk to pay it mind but the break up of hot weather is good. Change is good.

As of now I am negative fifty in the bank, all my fault obviously. A credit card payment came through when I didn't have enough . 

I don't get paid until May 3rd so the struggle, the anticipation of that check is making me hungry again. I have food, not a lot just enough to get experimental .

It sucks, it's balls but its life.

At least work has free coffee, tea, soda and juice. Which I will be living off of until then.

I refuse to take money unless it's for a commission . 

So that's my struggle, counting down the days , creating, failing and trying again.

Themes

"passe attencion!' My french teacher Ms.Bat used to push up her glasses and frown whenever I would drift. She spoke in a dry tone and constantly tripped over her trash can.

Alright, So I had a hearty chuckle here remembering my old french teacher but I know that for a fact in life when you pay attention to the little signs that come your way they can have an odd way of bringing back to you key points that seem insignificant at the time.

Whenever I am reading about how folks managed to be successful in their own entrepreneur business I keep coming across one golden value: Pay negative folks no mind 

This is about the fifth time this week in reading so, I was finishing a book by Lorraine C Ladish called "Reach! from single mom on welfare to entrepeneur." you can find the book here 
she said much of the same thing, from her novel to Andrew Carnegie in "How to win friends and influence people" to the gentleman that studied rich folks for five years and posted a slog about it on yahoo the same rules keeps circulating.

Negativity and cynicism fueled me in middle school, it was the one tiny fire that fueled me through a two year stint of growing, failing, failing a grade and learning some more. I was in a school that was in it's first year running and had a healthy appetite for picking favorites. In essence it scared me for the rest of my life.

So shaking away the very negativity that somehow kept me going has been such a learning process, from the old friends who cling to it to the new friends that invite me in sit me down and want to share the better, finer joyous things.

I cling to old habits sometimes like a teddy even when I know they serve no use any longer and I think that is the main thing. Just because it's the way we used to do things to survive does not necessarily mean they will always carry use, much like those  behaviors.

I hear you universe.

Three weeks ago it was "Heavy is the head that wears the crown."
that was odd to decipher that meaning but perhaps these are just lessons I must listen to and apply where they belong.

Today is my first day of my brand new work, I have to be at the bus stop within the next twenty minutes but I couldn't sleep in past 3am and my stomach is doing flip flops.

Off to change the course of my destiny I suppose.

Something has changed within me.

Yesterday I stared to my right at the greenest pastures in Southern Washington State. I pointed out the cows and my good friend and I laughed about the possibility of our favorite celebrities being aware of our infatuation. I cupped my chin as I leaned against the car door and I felt Happy. The names, the shows, the movies didn't trigger me to vibrate anymore. I felt free of the pain that I had felt just a year ago.

I stopped writing everything down and just started living this week. My bullet journal has helped me categorize my priorities and I even was up until 2am playing sunset over drive.

I am happy. 
I lick my lips now because I don't know if this is temporary, possibly considering I can be capricious but even now as the sun sneaks in and coats my keyboard with warm I can finally sit back and understand that self care is not stagnant.

The way we take care of ourselves shifts and nothing makes that more apparent then when I go out. Perhaps this is my time of extrovertedness where being with friends four times a week is what it takes but I can be in my space here, silently, no music save for the hum of my computer and the crack of the apartment door being slammed by a neighbour that I can savour this moment. This moment in my late twenties where I feel content, I am not anticipating the attention of the male gaze, i'm not waiting on a text or heart broken over a man.

I don't know how I got here but right in this spot my soul is at peace.
That hyper girl that I was is still here, still ready to turn up, still ready to spread all the love that I have onto a willing partner or game for an adventure. 

But right now she's here in this computer chair, downtown Seattle smiling like she's in love.
I am, I am in love with this life that I built because no one else was going to build it for me.

Where will you be when anxiety strikes?

Deadlines.

New stunts.

Graphic design.

All of these things terrify me and people showing me new opportunities to fail.. Always stresses me out. Or perhaps an opportunity to thrive? I know daily I fail so much. Fail to update. Fail to get up earlier or shower. Fail.

Fail to maintain friendships or meet deadlines where I know I could of nailed a  project. I only stand in my own way, just sometimes it's so hard for me to see the finished product.

They say to do something every day that scares you.

I am petrified.

I shake Everytime I have a girl in the air, I shake my head whenever someone suggests me for design.

My biggest fear is everyone realizing how much of a coward I am.

I will never grow if I don't try.

Yes, I am a coward but I will try.

This is me trying.

It's a long way home

Do you ever pause to sit with yourself and wonder if you had a terrible time because of your circumstances or if the horrifying was that it was in fact your attitude?

I felt a wave of warmth over my forehead when I got the phone call, hot embarrassment on my cheeks. This was the start of my Friday. My judgement calls are not always solid but to have someone I really respect need to let me know that a situation had gotten out of hand because of a judgement call I had made was even more so.

Behaviors of other people do not reflect on me, I understand this but that wash of guilt still sat with me.

For a better part of a week and a half I feel as though I have been fighting off a cold, a flu or an allergy I don't know. My deductible is far too high to pay a doctor a visit so hopefully with new job and perhaps some health insurance I can visits doctor and see what is going on.

I feel lethargic, I get that spark back when I'm in the gym but it comes back and of course now that it's all over my neck is all wonky from how I slept last night so you can imagine how just grumpy my body must feel. 

I was listening to an audio book honestly to help my stank ass attitude "how to win friends and influence people." By Carnegie and one of the basics was that "if you can't make someone's day better don't make it worse." 

Boy have I broken that rule so many times this week. 

Essentially it comes down to a comedy of body errors. I don't think I'm trying hard enough to truly believe mind of matter so perhaps I'll try again today.

And the day after that.

Play

This weekend I finished Shonda Rhimes audiobook "Year of Yes." What a fantastic life changing read, I thoroughly recommend it if you feel stuck..

Because...Boy, I did. Before Lent I think that I was stuck in time, reminiscing over things I could not change and behaviours that I refused to.
I felt as though I finally had permission to "play." Like I finally understood that trying to be productive 100% of the time was destroying me, my creativity and rehashing the anxiety I had been working so hard to conquer.

Friday night I triumphantly conquered 30 minutes of high intensity Elliptical, staring forward finding a spot to focus on while I willed my limbs to move on and on, shoving down the steps so that I could get one step closer to strong. One step closer to staring down and seeing my toes. One step closer to redefining my muscles and feeling good about the body that I had so easily abused.

I don't recall when but there was a point in time where my self esteem was gone.
Maybe along the lines of gaining 35 pounds in the span of a year I began to dwindle. I was sleep, work, binge eat and sleep some more. I was coffee in the morning, no breakfast and work.

When I stepped on the scale I could see myself heading towards bigger and bigger shirts, pant sizes and hating my self more and more. This was my glass ceiling, No one can love you the way that you do.

I always jokingly say to love yourself the way that kanye west loves kanye. Yet, I have taken care of so many other people EXCEPT myself. I am willing to donate close to 6-8 hours a day for charity but can hardly donate 15 minutes to peace of mind and a breath of air.

The buck stops somewhere, some audio composer once told me at a GDC practice.
I think it's amazing how this can apply in so many ways, in so many places.

This week my life might change forever, I just have to put in the time.

Not only the time, but my faith. The faith I had the first day of school, the faith that I had sitting with my grandmother at church and knowing that I could turn this around. The faith I had when I stepped on the elliptical and knew that I could make it even if it was only 30 minutes.

I only have so many chances to get my foot in the door, to jump in and pure fucking luck.
I'm not going to mess that up again.

I got to do things my own way darling

Last night as I was cooking I could feel my great grandmother. She was always more of a home maker. Rigid, religious and beautiful she power housed her way in Guatemala but fell every time she started to succeed.

Abuelita Juana was a budding entrepreneur. Which is hard when you have 7 kids.

I put down my knife momentarily listening and finally I said "I forgive you."

I feel like I must explain, I am spiritual but not religious. Not as I once was, I see the beauty in praying, meditation but I also hold firm my position as an Allie within the LGBTQA community. Sometimes being apart of an organized religion does not coincide with peace.

Anyhow, Abuelita knew how to hustle , to constantly create ways to support a family on her own.

I could feel her hustle, I know what it's like to not only need to succeed on your own but crave it.

So, the feeling stayed with me all night and all morning. I'm listening universe.

You have the mic now so talk to me.

Warmth, Sun and a Cat.

7:45

7:45 is the latest I can leave my apartment and make it to my shift at 9am on time.
I turned to my right to say goodbye to my cat, because well. Cat Mom.
Artemis was sprawled over several (yes several) pillows on the couch and winked slowly as I closed the door and locking it.

My walk to the bus stop is typically filled with Kanye's new album or Alexander Hamilton. Both seem to set up the type of day I should be expecting and I walk, rather heavy footed past the shops. The city is beginning to wake up, I see the construction workers begin and the shelter prop opens it's doors, The business folks huddle their coffee to their chests as they climb up the stairs to the ominous onyx colored building. I pass that too, the Cinerama on my right I cross the street and watch the parking garage tenants chat and the wind of course chooses this time to  blow a little bit harder. On my right is a bed, bath and beyond my budget. A lady who is only in town briefly rolls her noisy luggage across the street and down the road I watch my bus pass. Ah well, another one will be by in five minutes or so.

Payday fridays are slightly different, I leave the house a little earlier to grab a latte for myself only to baby sip it at work 45 minutes later (traffic willing.)

Today I let my mind wander, since I had a coffee cup in my hand at the time I didn't have the where with all to blog single handedly. (my compliments if you do.)

Fast forward to the present, I have no appetite and I'm sure another cold is headed my way. Another downside to working in a lab. Tomorrow is the St.Patrick's Day parade and nerves taunt me as pray that my knees will permit me to move so quickly.

I practiced jumps last evening in front of the mirror, pleading my legs to go higher and higher, sucking in my stomach and bracing for impact on the way down.

My life is experienced moment by moment, which can be infuriating for someone as impatient as I am. Tuesday I made it pause, I stopped it all together to draw and I wish I could do that all the time.
I wish I even had the financial stability and backing to do it and that I could even ask for something like that.

A squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I took a day off of work.

I couldn't do it this morning.
I didn't WANT to do it this morning.

I felt this paralyzing feeling as I stared at the heap of clothing on the floor dreading the walk to the bus and ultimately the screeching, kazoo honking noises of Seattle traffic.

I am privileged in a way where the rules of my job are simply show up, well. In any case as a trainer to set them up for success and I have and in the throws of it completely thrown off of my goals as an Artist. I haven't drawn really in days, nothing sincerely and certainly no finished pieces.

So today this morning as I played my sitcoms I had a moment of clarity.
"I'm not going in today "  I texted Jamie and she conceded, She wanted to take a day off for Art as well.

I sit here listening to Moonlight Sonata and flipping through the pages of my planner at all the plans I had made, the scheduling I had done for Art that never came to fruition so maybe this blog is another distraction but so far I now have the most up to date 3D software.

Let me just start by saying it has been a comedy of errors since this morning.. None of my software packages are up to date and when I at least tried to open up photoshop to draw while the installations were occurring my pen was dead.

FINE.

I'll do a massive reprint of my business cards and keep my chin up, if anything today was a moment to catch up on some rest and Art that i've been neglecting. I haven't been able to truly focus on the form or fix my proportions as I promised Matt and Emily.

I've worked hard enough to have a life that I don't need a vacation from, I work as a QA tester, I can wear what I please, eat what I want and now I sort of oversee the new hires but I am still now where I want to be. I was inspired by a friend who began to take her Art career with the sincerity and respect it deserved and I think it's time for me to do much of the same and if the weather holds up perhaps I'll go somewhere and paint like i've been aching to do for a while. Here in the PNW however, doing anything outside is gambling.

House always wins. 

Wurk

* This post discusses an eating disorder.
In NO way am I glamouring or proposing that this is ongoing or encouraged. 

The most problematic part about owning a blog I feel I must keep a stiff upper lip when it comes to difficult times or be super dramatic. If anything a week is never one way, mostly it's up and down. Sometimes you'll have moments of triumph, a Boss agreeing to a raise and you'll have moments of defeat, showing up to work with your yoga pants inside out. Oh yeah, that happened.

I suppose moment by moment you're reminded about how flawed, how helplessly human you are.
flawed, ditzy, determined and scared you'll fuck everything up. Being a woman who is now placed in a position of job authority I have to assert my own dominance in a different way, I can't be soft all the time but my approach with teaching is. I want  to have more patience but I think yesterday I sort of backed out of leading in my own head.

I didn't have the patience for doing much in the last two days and if anything feeling COLD didn't help my emotional stability.

Tuesday; I felt welts of tears coming to my eyes because my anxiety kicked in. Suddenly I didn't was very aware I'd be on camera and taken video of and I didn't want to see myself on film or be the fattest cheerleader on the squad.

Mind you, this has never kept me from performing a stunt. This has never prevented me from doing a parade or catching a cradle.

but I see it.
I feel it and it keeps me from eating breakfast in the morning, it keeps me from allowing myself to feel full and feeds the ID. Her, Ana, and old habits die hard.
Feeling hungry at one point felt better than feeling fat.

When I was in middle school I dropped almost four pant sizes down to an 8 and people kept complimenting me on my figure and that became addictive. People were nice to you if you weren't fat. What they didn't know at the time, my parents were divorcing and my mother would neglect to feed us.

So the ugly truth is in that with emotional instability and control resurfaces old habits that should of died within paintings and drawings. Yet with little to no outlet during the weekdays I try to let it go in blogs and daily planning.

I get why Kesha is dying without creating, if I was not allowed to create content I would too.
So that the clinking skeletons in my closet can be fleshed out and in it I can replace it with colorful clothing and remember where I came from.

Mother Theresa

Patience I am not.

I sat today here with my hands covering my nose, trying to still my irritation and calmly telling myself that I have no control.

This eased my mood,caused me to realign myself because ultimately I ended up having a conversation where I passed the responsibility.

With change comes a different set of rules and some I have to abide by to keep the team safe.

My career in the end is at the top of my priority list, if you stand in the way of my success I will pray for you.

So here I am, legs folded as podcast fills my ears and I try to recenter my focus on what lies ahead of me.

The wind is wiping wildly outside, the only real way I can tell is the flickering of lights.there are no windows in the lab.

I cannot control what happens around me just the same as I cannot control the weather.

Stormy.

Desperado

I ate half of my lunch and when no one else was looking threw half of it away.

The downside of having this cold (ever lasting as it seems) is that I have no appetite. I can taste but I don't crave, which in turn is a dull way to eat.

I was raised by a chef, who taught me to eat in color. Who raised me with Moroccan dinners and trying cheese with grapes. I can almost feel the zero cola tearing apart my guts, it comes down fizzling and somehow feels better than the Cold water in a cold lab.

I love my job, but it can become a Petrie dish at times.

Three minutes left of lunch and so far I've spent 27 minutes of it staring at my phone screen and polishing off fries. The fries mind you are as horrible as the soda.

Not everything is bad, it's Pink Wednesday and it serves as something uplifting from the gray skies of Redmond.

The lunch room humms with a crowd of programmers, engineers and us. QA testers.

I'm excited for crawling into bed and not feeling the clap in my throat whenever I cough reminding me that I'm still not well.

Mama said there'd be days like this

Days like today are some of the hardest to deal with.
My chest hurts, my throat is sore and swollen and my eyes are painted.
I made it through a cheer event, coughing quietly into my elbow and not wanting to miss out on the festivities but in the end I limped out of the uber ride and planted my ass on the couch.

I don't think I was at my best today, I tried to be sassy to compensate for how ill I felt and that it was for a much greater cause then I.

The folks were kind, running in their undies and raising money for brain tumors.
Yet back I hope I sat on the couch and cried because I hate feeling weak, drained and no matter how much sleep I get I feel like my walk is getting more and more sore.
I think with more exercise that this should help my mood but for the time being i'm trying to mush my brain with nonsense television and cat cuddles.

Maybe the reason i'm writing something so vulnerable is not a cry for attention but more so for anyone else who has felt so unwell that they couldn't do much of anything besides rest.

Self care is so important especially for Latinas, you can't work that well when you are not in your best. I'm not at my best. It's a mess and I guess all we can do it work through it and be a little kinder both to ourselves and the people that matter the most.

Naked

This morning I left the house without my sketchbook or my planner (on purpose.)

The past couple of days I haven't been able to sincerely write down much and sometimes I truly believed just writing something down was being productive.

I mean if you're a writer perhaps but as of now my motivation honestly took a bit of a nose dive. I want to see what a day without the obligation to write anything down will do to me. 

"what gets scheduled gets done." 

Period and maybe with some help from pills for my muscles I won't be so achey and tired and be able to relax enough to get that energy back.

I felt myself spacing this morning, I made a smoothie and a cup of coffee I didn't finish. I hap hazardous put together my lunch this morning and splashed water on my face hoping this would somehow wash away my depression, my laziness and when my limbs hurt.

Keep. Moving. Forward.

Smack it in the air

Last night I worked my ass off to become crisper, sharper with each stunt. Hoping I'll be more visible with each. I'm terribly shy when I'm surrounded by so many physically talented people and I'm not sure of my strength yet.

(Working on it.) 

Today started a bit slower, I let myself wake up later despite my cat throwing up around 2am. I think it's from stress so I'll need to spend more time with him today.

Anyhow, my arms are sore as we slowly approach my bus stop. I'm low on energy so today should be a feat.

I can only hope to keep improving.

Don't be a sad American.

It's 7:58 am, I'm listening to Desi Arnez and musing over my grandmothers Spanish. I wish I could place her in time, so that my grandkids can see her as clearly as I do right now. She's alive and well, in her 70s and has played mother to me since I was two.

Earlier this week she helped me find a mattress, I live in a studio in the heart of downtown, I don't own a car and believe me the novelty of being a city dweller is beginning to dwindle. Most of my friends have moved out of the city, into cozy suburbs with spouses who have cars. I'm still on first.

I'm still where I was, writing blogs on busses and praying my brain will come up with a new environment but only staring at the empty Maya screen.

Everything reminds me that I'm a work in progress and I have to be patient.

I wanted to give Mama a house and all I have been able to give her is a couple of thank yous and debt.

In April I wished I was dead.

I have to remind myself that moment by moment is truly worth living for. That in spite of the student debt I have moments in church with mama, that I have conversations over coffee with my Aunt Ducky, occasional emails from my mother.

The laughter from my friends , the moments they're eager to help me. That I must take it all in stride because nothing in life is guaranteed or permanent.

I hope one day I can convey why I raise my voice, why I argue, why I am so repressed or why my relationship with my dad is so complicated.

How hard it is to even type this out.

That at one point in time it was literally just us three vs. the world.

Day 5 of Lent : Anticipating

Today I fantasized about Lent being over and the welcome committee that would greet me when I re downloaded Snapchat. I wasn't looking for the journey I was waiting for the bandaid to be ripped off so I could just go back to doing the same thing and this gave me pause.

What am I doing this for?
I'm doing this because reddit became a crutch, I'm doing this because I was seeking validation in the shortest form possible. I'm doing this because clouding my brain with daydreams was better than the reality that romantically I am alone.

I was filling a tremendous void in my late twenties and I'm here. The reality is that instead of really learning from this journey I am awaiting it's end. Which sort of discourages me from learning anything, the most wonderful and infuriating thing that I have had to relearn is to take everything a day at a time. Moments, breaths, meals, highs and lows. Which leads me to today, today is a low.

I woke up with this sunken feeling, post valentines day that I haven't created nor had the desire to create in a couple of days. Valentines day was never the product of my feeling sad, in fact it didn't make me happy either but there is definitely a hierarchy in having a partner, even if you're not in love with said partner you're somehow better than those lonely, desperate saps right?

Ah well, away with the bitterness that seeps through. My joy of cooking, working out and forcing myself outside when the weather has just been so hideous helped my mood.

I want to come out of this having been weened off of reddit, i don't want to revert back to old habits because it's not making me happy. I want the new friends i've made to understand that I didn't feel like I was progressing emotionally, my disappearance didn't have anything to do with them but with me. My feelings of inadequacy and jealousy were consuming everything.

I had to find a way to stop it.

Anime & Coffee

I love days of the week that correlate with an action or an event. When I became an adult I realized that if I didn't assign something to them, to each day, at least that they would blur by. Defining days that were meant for fun or work is how I kept myself happy.

even if it was just one tiny little thing.
This blog mostly goes unedited and full of grammar mistakes mostly out of laziness, one long list of ongoing thoughts that might churn out a nugget of gold.

Today is Saturday, Day 4 of lent. If I don't think about it it's much easier to sort of pass the time, I made it my mission to go almost the full weekend without facebook but I cracked around 6pm today. I haven't posted but I did want to look. Turns out I wasn't missing as much as I thought I was and too my relief, only proves what Minush said on the "Note to self." podcast. Fear of missing out is a real thing and maybe it's our own way of keeping up to date, something to do with our mortality. Which is a very dark way of looking at it but in a lot of ways if you don't keep up with social media you are dead.. yet the people that do are not happy.

What a cycle. I think we are all trying to figure out what is the best way, or the right way to do things and it's not that simple anymore.

I find that the eventual boastful post goes away if i just think it, I think of what I want my status to be and as it dissipates I get this tiny thrill that this action is just for me. That in history, there is only a small account of what I did but no one knows I'm there aside from the few i'd told. No one knows about the walk I had from Deadpool, hell aside from this blog no one even knows I went to see Deadpool, much less rejoin a gym. Little secrets I keep just for me and well, now on this blog but even still this isn't a blog anyone actually knows about.

In this day and age we keep so little for ourselves and maybe I can try expanding on that without closing my circle, because despite not being on facebook for a full 24 hours, people still chatted with me.

People didn't forget me.
My friends didn't forget me.

I really need to remember that.

Lent: Day 3 Turning over a new leaf

Back when I was a kid the only thing really sugar coated was "American History."
When it came to achievements we received rewards for good behavior, for three legged races and science projects ( which my parents were too poor to have me participate in anyway.)

I think this gave me a sort of humility to where if something was worthy of being talked about congratulatory wise that's when I would bring it up. A mild sacrifice or a mild inconvenience to you is not an achievement it's really just setting yourself in place for a goal. You're clearing out distractions so you can live out what you were meant to be doing but, hey, that's my opinion.

I stated before my little epiphany/ experiment and I won't lie to you I was jonesing a little to fall back into the habit. The whole, the app loop and i brought myself out. Yesterday alone I read the entire way to work on the bus and a whole two hours before bed.

Symposium by Plato, retranslated and then at bed time it was "The Secret" by Beverly Lewis. Yes, I am reading amish fiction.

A 28 year old Hispanic woman is reading amish fiction.
there.
have at it .

THE POINT IS...

I'm reading again, the woman who could barely sit through a game without checking her phone?
It sits quietly to my left, notifications turned off and hasn't been touched since 6:05am when my alarm was supposed to go off, which it did, but since I was up at 5:20 am anyway it wasn't needed.

The one thing I wont give up though is music, I use it to drown out the murmuring voices asking for change or cat calling. I feel terrible but the constant flow of the city can be overwhelming.

I want to redefine who I am without the funny stories on snapchat, the NSFW content on skype or the temptation and eventual vegetation of my state of being when i'm on reddit. I love those things but I love them and am on them far, far too often.

What I need & Looking for Love

Sometimes I get home after a long day of being out with family and I sit and try to watch Hulu only to be completely overwhelmed. I guess when you have so much going on all at once when you are sleepy, hearing people jabber on about fake drama, favorite sitcoms and even Jimmy Fallon can be too much.

This morning I took the day off of work, I aboard the 578 bus at 7:02 am and took my sinful ass to church with Mama. (My grandmother.) I had negated to start or finish the coffee I made this morning and peacefully read out of my amish fiction book until we arrived. Traffic of course during work hours was little to none and I mused about what I might see during Mass.

The crowd was as wonderfully bored as I imagined and as I took my seat near to Mama, I could hear the babies starting up. Some sniffed, the others babbling as the people filled in. One handsome couple and their five kids, as I shot my bewildered look to my grandmother. Christ! It was like Ireland over again. Despite my Catholic background, I don't know if that's what I can call myself anymore, I don't know if being enlightened and religious go hand in hand but I was there for her, to be by her side and enjoy a couple of masses a year so that she doesn't have to go alone. Folding my hands into my lap, I hooked my ankles like i've been taught after years of Catholic upbringing and listened.really listened to the sermon.

Today is Ash Wednesday, on this day we repent and what is most commonly known for being lent. Lent to me has always been sacrificing something, a vice, an app, a lifestyle, a choice? Something in the name of what you might become afterwards. One lent I gave up facebook another? I gave up cursing and that was truly the hardest one. I had to play with language like double dutch, curving and dodging curses left and right I found that language could be vibrant and expressive without the usual expletive. We are written anew, this has been taught to us since we were little but that in this sacrifice we may find a sort of rebirth which, lo and behold is the big fat message behind easter.

Look, I know what you might be thinking.. This bitch ran home safe where it's religious and warm.
No, not at all. If anything tradition is something I respect, revere but ultimately I know where I need to be. Reading books, enlightening myself with the works of Plato and relearning how to communicate with people without humble bragging. I need to find my faith in myself as well as the confidence that I was growing in what I know how to do before I let myself get shot out of the air.

Back to church, it was hilarious. As a kid, you're bored stiff, as an adult if you look. You'll see all sorts of odd, human behavior that makes Mass bearable. Dare I say? Fun? The Priest is a sweet man, he hails from west africa and Mama is particularly fond of him. His accent is thick which made "repeat after me" all that much more fun, he is electric and expressive. The old folks that surrounded me side eyed me quite a bit but I wasn't there for them. If anything a sweet lady that sat beside mama beamed at the both of us. Mama smirked at my jokes and gently swatted me every time I tried to pick on her. Particularly about making sure her phone was turned off.

"What you can't turn your phone off for jesus?"
"IT IS OFF, AYE!"

This was worth it, the nitpicking has come full circle! I watched a little girl with a bowl cut dip her finger into the fountain to bless herself, and by blessing herself I mean sink a finger in, touch her forehead, go to the area where the water was trickling out, scoop some water and touch her forehead. She was precious and a reminder that kids, are without a doubt; weird.

My favorite had to be death metal baby. There was a 18 month old seated on her mothers chest who babbled innocently before letting out a demonic roar during Mass. This by far almost sent me over the edge and I just smiled, shook my head and readjusted my sweater.

I have always been a self entertaining person, ever since I was a child boredom was my eternal will.e.coyote. I made where ever I was at fun so that I could fidget less.

The sermon continued, with the relinquishing our control and allowing ourselves to truly strive for excellence. Something in this peaked my attention, I expected to be bored and granted in some parts I was. The singing is dreadful, I mean compared to baptists. We are just legit awful, somehow though I prefer it that way. It's tradition for us to sound like the party has gone sour. In that moment is when what I would give up for lent hit me.

Earlier this year I've done the bored and brilliant challenge but truth be told I think I honestly was playing it on easy mode. I don't think I truly sacrificed anything but in spite of this I truly feel that my illustration art was allowed to blossom. I am far more present, aware and in tuned with my community then I have been in ages. I find myself reaching for my phone less and seeing my friends far more often but of course within the limitations of allowing myself some alone time.

I don't think I have every truly respected that alone time quite like I did in this past year alone. Day after day I felt my mental attention span grow and even as I type this i've done so without noise, without sound, netflix, hulu or Adele to assist me. I find that being in silence is no longer quite as scary and no, my apartment is not haunted.

Maybe if I just, push all of this junk to the side for once and push my needs, my art and myself forward for once i'll be able to not only have the mental space that I need to create but allow myself t be emotionally available enough to date? Life isn't going t wait until I am ready but in spite of the Johnny come maybes I think that the truth is that I honestly don't want to.  To exert the energy it normally takes for me because I don't think that I've found anyone worth giving my attention to.

I could be wrong however, I am only human.

enough with the self congratulatory but maybe in time, I will find that urge again to step up my flirt game. To bring the gals out and maybe by reaching closer to my traditions, in the faith i've had and the faith i'm trying to grow within myself that I can come out of this as a better human, better more well rounded women and someone who can put their goddamn phone away once in a while.

My mouth tastes like sleep

I am so exhausted .

The bus is shoved and packed full, the traffic goes on for miles with no resolve and I close my eyes thankful I'm not driving in it.

The music helps but does little to distract me from the crawl of the bus. It's almost impossible to keep my eyes open at the moment and I really wish I wasn't awake. That I had a potential late start . Oh well, onward we go .

The commute is probably the absolute worst part of my day. If not for the blasted heat, the shuffling of level footed fellow patrons just trying to keep their balance or the gentleman who brought his pb & j on board (bless him he was hungry.) what a mess. 

Motivation

I haven't bus blogged in a minute. Currently Bruno Mars is whining on my pandora and I'm too lazy to change it, I started to sketch and felt nothing come out save for a lazy thumb sketch. Yesterday was two Afro super heroes but the proportions were off. My juice needs a refill so I tried to jump start my morning with a smoothie and some coffee but despite the delicious ten hours of sleep I got last night nothing worked.

Maybe I can pull for some more inspiration with journaling.

Which reminds me : Motivation.

I kept looking outwards, to draw in inspiration like a trap door spider and use this as my drive to create more. Something bigger, shocking , something to whet the appetite but it never goes beyond a palm size sketchbook and i know I need to get out of the comfort zone I carved for myself.

The reason it is so difficult is that I fought for that comfort zone that I protest when it's rattled.

I kept quietly hoping someone would tell me to keep going but that has to come from within. Without that I'm just depending on people to fix my artists block for me.

Now at this point I could say something quite cliche and say I'm the only one in my way, but we all know that. 

I chose me : An Epiphany during love and hip hop.

For the better part of my late twenties i've treated men like they were dispensable.
To be honest  for the most part they were, a constant swinging door of boys who knew little else what to do besides thrust. Even before I hit puberty I remember the day I didn't feel the special glow of being a little girl anymore. My father and I were fighting one night, I told him that's no way to talk to a little girl and he corrected me. I wasn't.
Not to him and not in the eyes of so many older men who cat called, who pinched, touched and rubbed when they should not have. My father never laid a hand on me, but I couldn't help but noticed that this had shaped my view of men for the oncoming adult years.

Flash forward to twenty four, I had just slept with a security guard that worked in my building and he was all too eager sleep. I remember sleeping opposite ways because it was hot as hell in his apartment and how empty I felt, I slept next to his socks when the voice in my head was screaming for me just to go home. Time after time my own self worth began to dwindle  because a week later he disappeared on me.
I wont kid myself into thinking I had feelings for him but I sobbed pathetically because I had allowed this and any other piece of garbage around me thinking they were anything but.

I am watching Love and Hip Hop, God knows why because the show is absolutely devoid of intellect. I watch women after women devote lives to hip hop men who spend too much, love outside the marriage too damn much without a prior contract, since I do support other poly relationships.I can't help but wonder if money would change me to be like that, if i had the privilege of once again being in a relationship and then finding myself with that kind of payment if I  too would become a monster.

If I am not one already?

Today, present day i'm 28 sitting on the floor of my apartment despite my 500 dollar ikea couch and shabby bed sometimes my best comfort zone is on the floor, where I used to sit for three months when I first moved in. This time i'm cushioned by a shaggy white rug that I had always wanted and I can sit here truly reflecting on my treatment of people.

I don't trust a lot of people. I don't trust a lot of people out of survival, I kept my distance because the closer I got to my own family the more they pushed me away. I let people in so far, to see the sub surface level of funny, good, maybe even some interests but eventually, for the longest time they would go away.

In the back of my mind I wonder what my expiration date is from person to person.
My fear of being left behind only becomes more justified when it begins to happen. When the change in behavior happens, it's so subtle but i always notice I always notice it first and at some point I just let people go. They flitter in my life and I can't hold onto it. I cannot hold onto them because I would crush them and that's the last thing that I want to do.

when the only thing that I want is not to smother or cry.
but just for you to stay.

I've had the time of my life

There are days when inspiration hits you like a bolt of lightning on the tip of your metaphorical penis, your hand fumbles for a pen or a keyboard and the words just Pour out however, today was not one of those days.

I stumbled over my words, scrolled, refreshed and laid my cheek on my fist truly bored.i think I'm there, loving my job and seeing the expiration date inked in. Much like ink however, it's temporary and I don't know if it will stick. That fear sat in my stomach, despite a night of certain fun it sat in the back of my mind. Staring at the beautiful faces of coworkers present and past I wondered when I too, would move on to greener pastures.

Even as I write this I have never been so openly accepted as I did at this job since the 7th grade? 

What do you do when a job offers growth but your current environment is wonderful ? I mean I haven't gotten the job yet but my stomach tells me I'm a shoe in. 

As a person who loves commitment it's hard to let go.

I can't tell anyone yet but I'm sure they'll figure it out.These testers are precious to me.

My mouth tastes like sleep

I am so exhausted .

The bus is shoved and packed full, the traffic goes on for miles with no resolve and I close my eyes thankful I'm not driving in it.

The music helps but does little to distract me from the crawl of the bus. It's almost impossible to keep my eyes open at the moment and I really wish I wasn't awake. That I had a potential late start . Oh well, onward we go .

The commute is probably the absolute worst part of my day. If not for the blasted heat, the shuffling of level footed fellow patrons just trying to keep their balance or the gentleman who brought his pb & j on board (bless him he was hungry.) what a mess. 

Bored and Brilliant Challenge Day 6 : Dream House

I relistened to the podcast today to take a look at my final lesson of this challenge and I can honestly say that I do feel like this challenge has realigned me, rerooted me back to a human being who uses her phone as a tool.

However with that being said i'm a bit disappointed in the final task. It seemed cheap, it seemed as far as I was concerned the least creative idea and a cop out by the lady who invented the task. I do, however find my focus and my passion reignited. Everyday i'm either blogging, drawing or realigning myself with the tasks that need to occur the following day. I am happy and I feel like I set the doors in motion for what might open up to me.

I've said tiny prayers so that the universe can hear how grateful I am for giving me the opportunities that I am given and hopefully I can pass it along should someone need me.

As a fairly social person I find that I give so much of my time and energy to other people, places and things than myself. I know that there is still so much I need to work out but I feel like ebineezer scrooge. I still have time, I still have a solution to the clutter that became my life,Particularly in the creative realm. I can finally sit in the quiet silence and be able to be okay with it, I can draw in any space at this point now, focus and steady my hand.

That too me is how I love myself, that to me is a solace that I can create anywhere I go and a secret garden that lights up my path when I feel lost. Deep down inside i've ignored that feeling. I need to keep with it.. the biggest difference in this entire challenge?

Turning off all of my notifications.
Alot of this anxiety was self induced and I never knew.

To a new challenge begins tomorrow! Getting SERIOUS about my portfolio options, energy or not.

Day 27- Bored and brilliant challenge

Day 2

Today I am forbidden from taking pictures.

I truly never realized just HOW often I pull out my phone to capture a memory.

I never realized how much I needed to be validated via snapchat or Instagram and it scares me a bit.

I never realized how often I turned to my phone instead of turning to my neighbor or how I truly face rejection . I for once am able to dip back into the pool of ideas in my head instead of being sucked back into the notification void. It's like a little present when I come back. 

Right now, I'm listening to a podcast about diversity and most of the podcasts I sink into are technology based.

I could feel the juices turning and I'm excited for the outcome.

Day 26- Bored and brilliant challenge

Work has become far more strict and because of this I've had to resort to sneaking In a Skype message or listening to podcasts which on the contrary has been pretty productive for my creative side.

With the silky smooth podcasters I've relearned to listen and there even has been a challenge that has peaked my interest. On the "Note to self" podcast there is the "Bored and Brilliant." Challenge

The idea is that there is beauty and potential in allowing your mind to wander and to declutter all of the noise in the Internet atmosphere .

Day 1- turn off all notifications and keep your phone in your pocket/ bag

Day 2- don't take any photos 

Day 3- delete the app that is draining your time ex: whatsapp, snapchat, skype, games etc. anything you don't need that doesn't help your business or make you efficient 

Day 4- Be radically present 

go off the grid for an hour 

And find an away message, let your Facebook folks know.

Day 5- go somewhere public and phone less and observe or people watch 

Day 6 - let your mind wander 

Okay, seems easy enough but for someone like me who works WITH phones this proves to be immensely challenging. My phone is my security blanket, the way I blog or interact with the world in a windowless lab.

Today is only day 1, immediately without the bings, dings and clings of my phone I felt less anxious. Less worried and I found myself on the couch, phone less and fully engrossed in a movie.

I haven't been able to do that in ages pawing for it like a crack addict and even now I've somehow been able to blog without music or some ambient noise in the background to distract me. 

It's behavior I have to unlearn and I even sometimes crack but I've never been so pumped for a challenge. So eager for something for myself. 

Day 25 - Lunch time blogging & Self sabotaging

My sister say next to me opening up about her business and I stared in awe at her faith. There was no doubt there and I quietly told myself to support her.

I don't know when I lost faith in myself, I don't know when I became so mean. 

I whipped myself out of my muse and rehashed my support.

I've been on the brink of success before and ignored it for facebook.

Why did I do that to myself?

I guess that's shoulding all over yourself.

One day I'll learn...

Day 22 - daydreamin

Chescaleigh is a YouTuber I follow pretty religiously. She once said in her videos to build your own empire.

That seems to be the ongoing theme this week, I watched a documentary on Machiavelli. Maybe it's time to dive into the prince and take a look at a couple of morally questions on principles. 

I've been docile most of my life and lucky in some successes and pleading in others. I once read that pleading isn't enough and opportunity is meant to be demanded, you claim it. Conquer it and I intend to do just that.

I want to work in a Studio and possibly my own. What a unique dream right? I think we all wet our pants at the chance of creating content. 

Work is forbidding videos now as well a sketching which was a more productive way for me personally to have the time fly by.

I guess I'll restrict them to the bus rides on the way there. I feel so shakey when I draw on the bus. Maybe this will teach me better control ?

Back to the booming hip hop that wakes me up in the morning. Last night I stayed later with some coworkers for game night, I loved strategizing with my team the game was called continels and we had marvel like characters. We had to kill a villain but many of our characters were rather complicated for first timers.

I ended getting a good hand. 

Today despite washing the sleep from my eyes and having my cofffee I feel farfrom  awake. I just want to crawl back to sleep, this week has been so draining and I've been eating horribly.

Here comes the weekend. I welcome it so.

Day 19- Kill what you don't like about yourself

flashback to three years ago..


On the third day I lay sniffling, my head wrapped in a towel it was the only thing that could keep me warm because I felt sick. I felt ill in a way that I had never truly known and I felt like a fool.
I had fallen for an age old trick of dip and flee. The game where you sleep with someone and then disappear on them. I had been ghosted on and I felt somehow I thought I had managed to go my life without that feeling.

I recant this story so many times, this boy was the gateway to so many other failed relationships and maybes. this was the catalyst of what would begin a long journey of self and so many errors. To succeed without failure is almost impossible and somehow that lesson was never so harshly learned as it was when i was trying with my relationships.

Art should of taught me this that without mistakes we can never learn and somehow along the years, as I got older I became much less forgiving of myself.
I became a bit more recluse in terms of dating, far less forgiving and looking for the mistakes. Looking for some sign to drop this person because it was only doomed to happen again.


   

Day 16- Clydesdale's

Fridays are a rare treat for me, typically its far too late in the evening to go out so I order out if it's payday, put on some flix or a video game and hammer my way through it til the wee hours of the morning.

Last night I polished off a bottle of rieslings, chatting with internet folks and flirting as you do. When I shut my computer down this very real feeling of alone washed over me. I didn't feel glad for the talk, I felt lonely.

I remember dating this guy, a real jerk with a gorgeous face and massive ..well you get it, he asked me since I lived alone if i felt lonely. I said no and he looked at me with this strange sense of pity and I racked my chubby little brain to figure out what on earth gave him the idea.

Present day and several friendship affirmations later I just came to the conclusion that he was projecting but these questions just come so out of the blue and it makes me curious if i am creating a platform for them? why do I care?

I think it's okay to care to an extent but when it's almost paralyzing that's when it becomes incredibly hindering. there are times that I stopped shuffling through clothes when i'm going out and consider not going at all, i'm anxious about what to wear, if people will like it if I am over dressed. I panic, mildly so but sometimes i just stand there and stare and I cannot seem to make up my mind properly.

This morning I went outside in yoga pants and a zip up hoodie and no one gave a single solitary fuck. I don't have to dress up just to go out and sure yes, people do appreciate when you are moderately to extraordinarily dressed but you don't have to. I have to remind myself of that because years after catholic school and ridicule that type of mentality is very hard to shake.

It shaped me and it shakes me.

Last night after a few rounds of dj diddles I found myself awakened by stomping. Like a herd of elephants upstairs and granted it was a friday night, however, i was awoken twice. Twice it was just as hard to fall asleep with drunk girls and boys babbling on like toddlers and stomping up ahead.
This morning I made sure to stomp extra loudly at 8am on my way to starbucks.
Yes, it was petty.

The morning remains calm however, cool and grey with sprinkles of rain here and there.
I didn't bother wearing headphones across the street and watched the birds excitedly puff and flutter about their nests nestled in naked trees.

Day 15: The pit of my stomach

In the span of two hours I've been awake and downtown I've seen

-a man scratch his toosh 

-a man with a blackened tooth on a bus ad

-two dogs in raincoats

Somehow reminding me I need to return my library books. The day is Friday and it's cold as hell . My body despite the long 8 hours of sleep longs to still be burrowed in warmth and cat meals.

Last night I went to another IGDA meet up, it was fantastic fun and met some gals from Atlanta, who had recently graduated from SCAD. It was fun to be around fresh faces and ladies! 

They gave me their cards since I didn't have mine. Reminder for next time. 

So long my reckless romance

I think the hardest part of saying goodbye is when they continue to pursue.

It's almost intoxicating and does not a healthy relationship make.

I spent a better part of last year trying to mend a brain that doesn't want to forget how he made me feel, outside of friends I can't seem to shake it. Ive heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,I've tried that . Later swallowing the guilt of thinking of said person during the act.

We only get so many great loves in this life time , I keep being afraid that if I have my head so deep in the sand I might not get another chance.

I'm physically out in the world but emotionally more guarded than the queen.I think it's just easier at this point to seat some in the friend area then try to make it work when they're feeling it and I don't. No one should have to prove anyrhthing to me let alone that this should work.

The most alarming behavior today is when I behave like the people that I let hurt me. The very behavior that made me feel obsolete.

Anyway I really should call this a bus blog seeing as the only time I seem to have are during these soggy 45 minute commutes.

Day 12 - The Art of being pleasant

I am a hypocrite.
I let up the settings for my snapchat comforted in the idea that he was watching and in the idea that maybe I can make something work.

It wont and the silent treatment greets me well after I've been cold. Cold particularly because I couldn't move on quite as quickly, that I didn't sit well with the idea that someone just wanted the idea of my comfort without wanting the result I wanted.

I miss our conversations the most I think, rushing home after work to curl up on my phone and feeling as warm as if I were embraced.

That daze got me in so much trouble and watching someone else I love go through the same thing feels like there is only lesson and no answer. Only questions, questions,questions.

At some point I chalked it up to just not hiding away who I was anymore even if I really particularly liked said person. I hide so much of who I am to men whom I am enamored with.

That can't be a healthy thing.

I found that it's much easier to slip into my pleasant attitude than it is to face the fact that I am petrified of someone not liking me for the goof ball, neurotic, perfectionist mess that I am.
That I don't want anyone to fix me or give me money just a home in their heart.

Impressionism & hands on

I stared at the paintings at the Seattle Art museum, studying the brush strokes and textures left by hands centuries ago. 

The irony of staring at something beautiful and hearing something so brutally ugly was not lost on me. It wasn't the first but I secretly hoped it was the last.

I wandered the room, ignoring the line that formed from one painting to another based on the audio tour. We dipped in and out of the line narrowly avoiding past friends, both of whom passive aggressively Christian. Not my style, we left lightly mocking the man buns and into the brisk Seattle January air . 

The lesson being that I have no power of any of this, be it that or anything else.

Day 8 - Coffee

I remember the loud slurp of my Dad carrying a full size porcelain mug in the car as he prepared to take me to school. Not a travelers mug,but  the type of mug you carry to your office. 

Often late we'd rear ourselves out of the drive way and head towards Mark Twain Elementary school the second  public school I would ever be enrolled into.  

I remember when I was having conversations with Mama ( My grandmother on my father's side.) and hearing the slight guzzle as she drank down the guatemalan blend from starbucks, her favorite. most notably because it came from the same country she grew up in. 

Ever since I could remember the warm, fuzzy days of California coffee has been a huge part of my life. To help me wake up, to help me get through and most often then not in the final week of production the last sips of coffee before I could see dawn break helped me persevere. 

In the morning the first thing that I turn on is the t.v, noise. noise is what I need sometimes when I live alone and I didn't realize that that was the very thing that was causing my anxiety to spike. Noise to fill the room, it's not empty. it's full of warmth, scented candles, a mewling kitty and the sound of gurgling coffee. I honestly don't know what I will do when that quiet is no longer trusted and there are kids running around my kitchen, it's almost kind of scary to think that I will eventually no longer have my quiet. Sometime's I wonder if mothers that once lived alone missed it, for I know plenty of people that dread the quiet. 

Seems funny to me that bean liquid would shape me, a tiny piece of my heritage along with the countless other regions that my family comes from. 

The quiet doesn't last long though because even if the computer hums, the cat mewls and the adobe update dings I still need some noise,   

On the way back

I never truly realized how unforgiving of myself I am until I develop feelings for someone. It's all self nurturing and self loving until someone is beneath my skin and I tell myself how pathetic I am, I'm not but "lady" logic has guided me to ignore him until he comes for me. I am to wait.

I could never be very good at this game, even now with no prospects I am fidgety and the attention of a jump off has me re considering. It must be so bad I don't even mention if, because friends would jump at me having the chance to be laid. Is this self sabotage? Is this love sabotage? Or shitty advice?

I think all of the above. I think until I figure out what I need right now I'll refrain to harmless skype .

I've never cut anything so short.

I don't know where that drive went but maybe I'll find it again somewhere on the 545.

Day 7-sin ti

Boy does auto correct hate Spanish .

Day 7 reminds me that I can live without him and also a reminder that winter break is most definitely complete.

I almost want to say something I regretted but no, I soaked in my lazy, I went for long walks with my best friend, scoured the Seattle public library for Amish fiction and I drew until four in the morning.

I regret none of it and I almost miss it. There is glamour and absolute madness in working from home and got myself involved on a video game project.

Including Myself in events when no one has invited me too because if I didn't I would never go and most of my friends are just starting their nerd journey.

Truly, I am peopled out. On top of the need for solitude I found myself at four separate holiday functions which was a tremendous amount of fun and coordination . Many bus routes, gas pumps and hours later I was thrust into the party laughing and meeting people I've met before and not remembering their names not because I didn't want to but because my brain somehow refuses to . 

I think I honestly spent plenty of time on my own, however, I didn't get myself to a spa like I wish I had. That would of kicked it off perfectly. My mind is thoroughly des tressed which has totally helped me physically , no more emergency target runs.

I finally got the app for my phone so I have no excuse not to blog and to enter this new year unafraid of beginning something new.

Things come in threes, I broke my head phones got sick and called out of work on Monday but my contract has expanded to April. 

I needed this news!

Pancakes

I remember when looking into someone's blog would render you some nugget of gold. Breathe some type of resolve in the mystery that is 27+

I'm sitting here a couple days away from going back to work and going over the list of things i've accomplished since i've been on break. The guilt now good and gone i've managed to truly unwind in the fourteen days since my contract was put on hold.

so why not list them here? Rather than making a facebook status about it I could tell a couple of random hits.

1. I've finished more than a couple of books. For the longest time I was a bookworm and somehow since my attention span had ceased forever I was truly afraid I wouldn't enjoy reading as much but no. I've finished a john green short stories book, several wolf fiction as well as amish fiction which i was truly surprised I enjoyed and even some art pieces. I've gone out to more industry nights than I can remember and met new faces.
2. I truly explored both sides of who i am, the ambivert tride and t rue. I've gone to great lengths to enjoy my solitude, pajama pants all day and watching reruns of bobs burgers. However, i've also gone out all night. All day. enjoying my company, my insanity and the adventures of my closest friends while also, truly feeling like I was getting closer and closer every day to finding out what might come of this single lady hood. 
3. I've painted more than I have in months in Photoshop and explored regions of my art by facing what I was weakest at.
4. I went home for Christmas loving the company but hating the sleeping situation.
5. I truly thought about where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be in 2016.

That's just a small list because I find myself completely bypassing a list once it gets past three really, so I don't expect you to read all of this or even past a single blog post but I digress.

Saturday is a sleepy day, a day where the god awful new years hangover has since washed away with sleep.

Hello 2016.