Micro aggressions

The way that I handle mistakes is so different then when I was a child, I feel as though when I was younger my behavior was far more like a sponge. I absorbed, I learned, I would fuck up and move on.

Today anxiety is much less forgiving , today I hopped on the bus at what I thought was a decent hour to get to work on time. (7:17) I sat on the bus drifting, my brain reduced to MIssy Elliot mush. When I looked back at my phone and in shock it was 8:36.

I was late to work. Again.

My boss said nothing but this isn't the time to be fucking up the only job I have. I got to work enraged with myself, I spent almost two hours mulling over how I had fucked up and just hyper focused on my job.

Later in the evening I was given contradictory instructions. Prior to what a previous colleague told me, I grit my teeth and agreed to complete it as it is expected swallowing Down a very solid pill that my time for learning and mistakes is very near its end. I am impressing no one, especially not myself.

Yes I've found flaws but with contradictory explanations my head is reeling.

So on top of not being a golden child anymore at work I go to my "thing" and the tension is so thick. There is no break to make it better, I can't make it better. I can't fix it and it gets to me. It's even more painful when after a verbal whiplash somehow anything is supposed to get us excited.

I have my self doubts, I have my self doubts about so many things, what I dare to put on the Internet and the passions I pursue that don't love me back. I don't feel love, real love, I feel pleasure in what I gave up, gave in. 

What a shitty feeling. That truly makes me question why I'm doing this because I haven't done many things for myself in a long time.