Noise.

I sat on my bed today, wiping my face and putting my duvet back together.
Four days away and my apartment was a tip, I washed dishes, vacuumed and rearranged my bed.
I looked at my cat who mewed quietly at me and I wondered.
Why am I not happy right now?

Long beach cradled me in a pillow of warmth, sun, side kisses on the cheek, hugs and validation. I came home missing the grey skies and realizing that much of my time is carried out on my own.
I can't stress enough that I built this life for myself with so much help from my Grandmother and Aunt but the interviews, the jobs, the talking and the networking was me.

The high of highs comes with the low of lows. When playtime is over and you have to go back to work and struggling a bit, I didn't miss that part.

That hustle has it's dips and it's rises. That need for validation, to create but to stifle yourself because you're just not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, enough.

I don't want pity.
I really don't know what I want.
I sat at my break looking up from my phone.
I am so lucky to have this job but my energy is always low.
They don't call it a hustle for no reason.

I guess I have to keep carving away at my path.
I'm not done yet.