Fridays are a rare treat for me, typically its far too late in the evening to go out so I order out if it's payday, put on some flix or a video game and hammer my way through it til the wee hours of the morning.
Last night I polished off a bottle of rieslings, chatting with internet folks and flirting as you do. When I shut my computer down this very real feeling of alone washed over me. I didn't feel glad for the talk, I felt lonely.
I remember dating this guy, a real jerk with a gorgeous face and massive ..well you get it, he asked me since I lived alone if i felt lonely. I said no and he looked at me with this strange sense of pity and I racked my chubby little brain to figure out what on earth gave him the idea.
Present day and several friendship affirmations later I just came to the conclusion that he was projecting but these questions just come so out of the blue and it makes me curious if i am creating a platform for them? why do I care?
I think it's okay to care to an extent but when it's almost paralyzing that's when it becomes incredibly hindering. there are times that I stopped shuffling through clothes when i'm going out and consider not going at all, i'm anxious about what to wear, if people will like it if I am over dressed. I panic, mildly so but sometimes i just stand there and stare and I cannot seem to make up my mind properly.
This morning I went outside in yoga pants and a zip up hoodie and no one gave a single solitary fuck. I don't have to dress up just to go out and sure yes, people do appreciate when you are moderately to extraordinarily dressed but you don't have to. I have to remind myself of that because years after catholic school and ridicule that type of mentality is very hard to shake.
It shaped me and it shakes me.
Last night after a few rounds of dj diddles I found myself awakened by stomping. Like a herd of elephants upstairs and granted it was a friday night, however, i was awoken twice. Twice it was just as hard to fall asleep with drunk girls and boys babbling on like toddlers and stomping up ahead.
This morning I made sure to stomp extra loudly at 8am on my way to starbucks.
Yes, it was petty.
The morning remains calm however, cool and grey with sprinkles of rain here and there.
I didn't bother wearing headphones across the street and watched the birds excitedly puff and flutter about their nests nestled in naked trees.
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