Today I fantasized about Lent being over and the welcome committee that would greet me when I re downloaded Snapchat. I wasn't looking for the journey I was waiting for the bandaid to be ripped off so I could just go back to doing the same thing and this gave me pause.
What am I doing this for?
I'm doing this because reddit became a crutch, I'm doing this because I was seeking validation in the shortest form possible. I'm doing this because clouding my brain with daydreams was better than the reality that romantically I am alone.
I was filling a tremendous void in my late twenties and I'm here. The reality is that instead of really learning from this journey I am awaiting it's end. Which sort of discourages me from learning anything, the most wonderful and infuriating thing that I have had to relearn is to take everything a day at a time. Moments, breaths, meals, highs and lows. Which leads me to today, today is a low.
I woke up with this sunken feeling, post valentines day that I haven't created nor had the desire to create in a couple of days. Valentines day was never the product of my feeling sad, in fact it didn't make me happy either but there is definitely a hierarchy in having a partner, even if you're not in love with said partner you're somehow better than those lonely, desperate saps right?
Ah well, away with the bitterness that seeps through. My joy of cooking, working out and forcing myself outside when the weather has just been so hideous helped my mood.
I want to come out of this having been weened off of reddit, i don't want to revert back to old habits because it's not making me happy. I want the new friends i've made to understand that I didn't feel like I was progressing emotionally, my disappearance didn't have anything to do with them but with me. My feelings of inadequacy and jealousy were consuming everything.
I had to find a way to stop it.
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