For the better part of my late twenties i've treated men like they were dispensable.
To be honest for the most part they were, a constant swinging door of boys who knew little else what to do besides thrust. Even before I hit puberty I remember the day I didn't feel the special glow of being a little girl anymore. My father and I were fighting one night, I told him that's no way to talk to a little girl and he corrected me. I wasn't.
Not to him and not in the eyes of so many older men who cat called, who pinched, touched and rubbed when they should not have. My father never laid a hand on me, but I couldn't help but noticed that this had shaped my view of men for the oncoming adult years.
Flash forward to twenty four, I had just slept with a security guard that worked in my building and he was all too eager sleep. I remember sleeping opposite ways because it was hot as hell in his apartment and how empty I felt, I slept next to his socks when the voice in my head was screaming for me just to go home. Time after time my own self worth began to dwindle because a week later he disappeared on me.
I wont kid myself into thinking I had feelings for him but I sobbed pathetically because I had allowed this and any other piece of garbage around me thinking they were anything but.
I am watching Love and Hip Hop, God knows why because the show is absolutely devoid of intellect. I watch women after women devote lives to hip hop men who spend too much, love outside the marriage too damn much without a prior contract, since I do support other poly relationships.I can't help but wonder if money would change me to be like that, if i had the privilege of once again being in a relationship and then finding myself with that kind of payment if I too would become a monster.
If I am not one already?
Today, present day i'm 28 sitting on the floor of my apartment despite my 500 dollar ikea couch and shabby bed sometimes my best comfort zone is on the floor, where I used to sit for three months when I first moved in. This time i'm cushioned by a shaggy white rug that I had always wanted and I can sit here truly reflecting on my treatment of people.
I don't trust a lot of people. I don't trust a lot of people out of survival, I kept my distance because the closer I got to my own family the more they pushed me away. I let people in so far, to see the sub surface level of funny, good, maybe even some interests but eventually, for the longest time they would go away.
In the back of my mind I wonder what my expiration date is from person to person.
My fear of being left behind only becomes more justified when it begins to happen. When the change in behavior happens, it's so subtle but i always notice I always notice it first and at some point I just let people go. They flitter in my life and I can't hold onto it. I cannot hold onto them because I would crush them and that's the last thing that I want to do.
when the only thing that I want is not to smother or cry.
but just for you to stay.
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