Media

I think that this blog post was aptly named considering what day it is.
Today is the inauguration and i've led most of this campaign with my head turned.

I am aware of the politics that led up to what happened, i've listened to all sorts of voices much more knowledgable then I am. Moderate, liberal and yes, conservative.

Presently i'm sitting at the impact hub with other techies, over Nerds of Color because right now that is what I need to be surrounded by. Nerds and people in tech. People who want the greater good but have been called to create.

I couldn't bare to watch it on the phone, the laptop. I couldn't bare to deal with it alone and so I am not but I know not everyone has that choice.

I've seen so many friends turn away, ignore or not realize what a privilege it is to be able to vote and/or even live in this country. However, it is their life and not mine and at some point i must understand that what they do with their eyes, ears, toes and fingers is not my own. I can only control my power and to whom I spend my energy on.

That quiet hum can make me feel sick when the sad truth is that so many terrible decisions, rhetoric and hate has been normalized. Satire has become reality.

I cannot change the past but at least here, the world hasn't completely warped yet and maybe after a couple of cups of coffee I can go outside again without fear of someone telling me to go back to my own country.

I haven't been on this earth long enough to really know how to fix it, but I know what is right and what is evil.

I hope latinos out there know you are needed and love here. Our community let us down in this election. We cannot ignore that we too are a stigmatized community and we have to get up off of our asses and be apart of a bigger and better world.

I love this country and i'm blessed enough to live in a place where a woman can go outside for a jog in the middle of the night and not be hurt or shamed.

anyway, that's it. that's as much political banter as you'll get from me.

Humbled

I felt like a rug had been swept under me when not once but twice I hadn't  gotten a job offer.
If anything I needed to revaluate the way I had been interviewing and fix it.

Fix this loss of words and the way my brain would completely blank when it came to answering the most important question to this job application.

To be quite honest, I see what I want to do and I can't seem to get my skills there because of how distracted I am and putting everyone else before me.

Thats the funny thing about unemployment, you're absolutely dying to see what else is out there but also knowing that you ultimately need to be realistic about where you'd applying to.

I knew I was in trouble when it took three days to hear back, the swell of hopelessness replacing the smugness of telling myself it was meant to be.

Truth was, I think we all have to be able to royaly mess up and this is my era. This is me at one of my lowest since highschool. Truthfully however, no matter how much I hate myself, starve myself. I still have to pay rent. I still need a reason to get out of bed in the morning and see shiny new faces of potential future employees. Dropping friends names, isn't going to help and I have to be able to understand the mechanics of describing what I do or else i'm wasting my time.

Orphan Black

Sometimes I just need silence.
I need to put the phone away, close facebook and learn something new.

I have been masking a lot of stuff recently but the only common factor is me. How lucky am I to make it to 29? My birthday is a week from now and I try to focus on the goals that lie ahead but i've felt very sad recently.

I tried to call my benefits office but as per usual they are closed. I don't really want to discuss my need for a therapist in an open break room and so here we are.

alone.

Noise.

I sat on my bed today, wiping my face and putting my duvet back together.
Four days away and my apartment was a tip, I washed dishes, vacuumed and rearranged my bed.
I looked at my cat who mewed quietly at me and I wondered.
Why am I not happy right now?

Long beach cradled me in a pillow of warmth, sun, side kisses on the cheek, hugs and validation. I came home missing the grey skies and realizing that much of my time is carried out on my own.
I can't stress enough that I built this life for myself with so much help from my Grandmother and Aunt but the interviews, the jobs, the talking and the networking was me.

The high of highs comes with the low of lows. When playtime is over and you have to go back to work and struggling a bit, I didn't miss that part.

That hustle has it's dips and it's rises. That need for validation, to create but to stifle yourself because you're just not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, enough.

I don't want pity.
I really don't know what I want.
I sat at my break looking up from my phone.
I am so lucky to have this job but my energy is always low.
They don't call it a hustle for no reason.

I guess I have to keep carving away at my path.
I'm not done yet.

Micro aggressions

The way that I handle mistakes is so different then when I was a child, I feel as though when I was younger my behavior was far more like a sponge. I absorbed, I learned, I would fuck up and move on.

Today anxiety is much less forgiving , today I hopped on the bus at what I thought was a decent hour to get to work on time. (7:17) I sat on the bus drifting, my brain reduced to MIssy Elliot mush. When I looked back at my phone and in shock it was 8:36.

I was late to work. Again.

My boss said nothing but this isn't the time to be fucking up the only job I have. I got to work enraged with myself, I spent almost two hours mulling over how I had fucked up and just hyper focused on my job.

Later in the evening I was given contradictory instructions. Prior to what a previous colleague told me, I grit my teeth and agreed to complete it as it is expected swallowing Down a very solid pill that my time for learning and mistakes is very near its end. I am impressing no one, especially not myself.

Yes I've found flaws but with contradictory explanations my head is reeling.

So on top of not being a golden child anymore at work I go to my "thing" and the tension is so thick. There is no break to make it better, I can't make it better. I can't fix it and it gets to me. It's even more painful when after a verbal whiplash somehow anything is supposed to get us excited.

I have my self doubts, I have my self doubts about so many things, what I dare to put on the Internet and the passions I pursue that don't love me back. I don't feel love, real love, I feel pleasure in what I gave up, gave in. 

What a shitty feeling. That truly makes me question why I'm doing this because I haven't done many things for myself in a long time. 

Take a break

I guess much like Hamilton i'm not very good at this. For the first time in a while I had a weekend where I was not obligated to go to a Charity Event since I had already put my hand in to help design.
I ended up volunteering myself because I really don't know what to do with myself if I'm not waking up at an unreasonable hour on a Saturday.

One day i'll learn.
Today I woke up and my left eye felt like it was on fire so today at work is going to be interesting.
Last night was the first meet up with HOLA an organization for the representation of the latino community on the Microsoft campus. I felt honored, I felt moved to be there and see these people speak. Speak with accents, without accents and just this rainbow of latino's on stage.

I never saw a piece of myself reflected here, only some of the janitors, politely smiling at me as they worked their faces off but never another full time employee.

until yesterday.

Must be love on the brain

Last night I had a very vivid dream and mind you it might of had something to do with Fear The Walking dead episode the night previous, however, In the dream I was sobbing I was wrapping paper towels around a pipe and talking about the fact that even if it was still leaking it was useful. It's fixable and that it's still important. I know that is a bit tacky to still believe in dream interpretation but as I was looking this up I see that dreaming is a way for most of us to be able to express feelings we've repressed, over the course of the last three weeks I have been unable to supress my unhappiness with my own attitude. Adjusting to this new schedule has been a challenge for me with the mental and especially physically. What I haven't talk about is the fact that my body is very ..well adjusted Adjusted to a particular schedule and when I shifted that to an hour earlier i'm not going to lie it fucked me up. Around 1-2pm I get woefully sleepy, I know i've made alot of little mistakes at work and I cannot help but feel as though i'm more irritating then ever I feel like the problem child in math class.

Anyhow, to dream of fixing pipes however was another thing. In dreaming this is not always literal, Zipping in and out of the other window I see something that reflects so heavily within myself. The leaking of water means the release of emotions or the loss of power. Prior to transferring I was a lead trainer, I was on my way to becoming a lead and I gave that up willingly for a higher title and paycheck. I don't regret the transition but I do miss my teammates. The other supervisor at my current job that I really did think was super nice is gone and i'm sort of left afraid to ask questions and feel like a burden.

I have felt like a burden.