Must be love on the brain

Last night I had a very vivid dream and mind you it might of had something to do with Fear The Walking dead episode the night previous, however, In the dream I was sobbing I was wrapping paper towels around a pipe and talking about the fact that even if it was still leaking it was useful. It's fixable and that it's still important. I know that is a bit tacky to still believe in dream interpretation but as I was looking this up I see that dreaming is a way for most of us to be able to express feelings we've repressed, over the course of the last three weeks I have been unable to supress my unhappiness with my own attitude. Adjusting to this new schedule has been a challenge for me with the mental and especially physically. What I haven't talk about is the fact that my body is very ..well adjusted Adjusted to a particular schedule and when I shifted that to an hour earlier i'm not going to lie it fucked me up. Around 1-2pm I get woefully sleepy, I know i've made alot of little mistakes at work and I cannot help but feel as though i'm more irritating then ever I feel like the problem child in math class.

Anyhow, to dream of fixing pipes however was another thing. In dreaming this is not always literal, Zipping in and out of the other window I see something that reflects so heavily within myself. The leaking of water means the release of emotions or the loss of power. Prior to transferring I was a lead trainer, I was on my way to becoming a lead and I gave that up willingly for a higher title and paycheck. I don't regret the transition but I do miss my teammates. The other supervisor at my current job that I really did think was super nice is gone and i'm sort of left afraid to ask questions and feel like a burden.

I have felt like a burden.

The spirit

I'm starting to watch things unravel as i create space for myself. No one was going to give me that job, that title, that opportunity I had to earn it, ask for it and put myself ahead of everything. Relationships, Family and sanity.

I'm still struggling, I can help but notice the irony of working in a multi billion dollar company and having nothing to eat.

I talked myself out of using my credit card for Nordstrom cafe this morning. I woke up later than I normally do just to sleep.

I just want to rest my eyes for just a moment on this bus and forget how hungry I am.

Again? Yeah again. I can't blame it on just being bad with money or irresponsibility .

I can't ask for help. My pride won't allow it. 

Take a break

Making eye contact with strangers was always hard for me. Does he see how handsome he is? Afraid that someone will hit me if I stare too long, quietly question where they got their shoes or whether it will rain today.

There is beauty in pondering and the art of the flirt. I am terrible at doing that intentionally, I can't force it.

Yesterday there was a thunder storm, I was too drunk to pay it mind but the break up of hot weather is good. Change is good.

As of now I am negative fifty in the bank, all my fault obviously. A credit card payment came through when I didn't have enough . 

I don't get paid until May 3rd so the struggle, the anticipation of that check is making me hungry again. I have food, not a lot just enough to get experimental .

It sucks, it's balls but its life.

At least work has free coffee, tea, soda and juice. Which I will be living off of until then.

I refuse to take money unless it's for a commission . 

So that's my struggle, counting down the days , creating, failing and trying again.

Themes

"passe attencion!' My french teacher Ms.Bat used to push up her glasses and frown whenever I would drift. She spoke in a dry tone and constantly tripped over her trash can.

Alright, So I had a hearty chuckle here remembering my old french teacher but I know that for a fact in life when you pay attention to the little signs that come your way they can have an odd way of bringing back to you key points that seem insignificant at the time.

Whenever I am reading about how folks managed to be successful in their own entrepreneur business I keep coming across one golden value: Pay negative folks no mind 

This is about the fifth time this week in reading so, I was finishing a book by Lorraine C Ladish called "Reach! from single mom on welfare to entrepeneur." you can find the book here 
she said much of the same thing, from her novel to Andrew Carnegie in "How to win friends and influence people" to the gentleman that studied rich folks for five years and posted a slog about it on yahoo the same rules keeps circulating.

Negativity and cynicism fueled me in middle school, it was the one tiny fire that fueled me through a two year stint of growing, failing, failing a grade and learning some more. I was in a school that was in it's first year running and had a healthy appetite for picking favorites. In essence it scared me for the rest of my life.

So shaking away the very negativity that somehow kept me going has been such a learning process, from the old friends who cling to it to the new friends that invite me in sit me down and want to share the better, finer joyous things.

I cling to old habits sometimes like a teddy even when I know they serve no use any longer and I think that is the main thing. Just because it's the way we used to do things to survive does not necessarily mean they will always carry use, much like those  behaviors.

I hear you universe.

Three weeks ago it was "Heavy is the head that wears the crown."
that was odd to decipher that meaning but perhaps these are just lessons I must listen to and apply where they belong.

Today is my first day of my brand new work, I have to be at the bus stop within the next twenty minutes but I couldn't sleep in past 3am and my stomach is doing flip flops.

Off to change the course of my destiny I suppose.

Something has changed within me.

Yesterday I stared to my right at the greenest pastures in Southern Washington State. I pointed out the cows and my good friend and I laughed about the possibility of our favorite celebrities being aware of our infatuation. I cupped my chin as I leaned against the car door and I felt Happy. The names, the shows, the movies didn't trigger me to vibrate anymore. I felt free of the pain that I had felt just a year ago.

I stopped writing everything down and just started living this week. My bullet journal has helped me categorize my priorities and I even was up until 2am playing sunset over drive.

I am happy. 
I lick my lips now because I don't know if this is temporary, possibly considering I can be capricious but even now as the sun sneaks in and coats my keyboard with warm I can finally sit back and understand that self care is not stagnant.

The way we take care of ourselves shifts and nothing makes that more apparent then when I go out. Perhaps this is my time of extrovertedness where being with friends four times a week is what it takes but I can be in my space here, silently, no music save for the hum of my computer and the crack of the apartment door being slammed by a neighbour that I can savour this moment. This moment in my late twenties where I feel content, I am not anticipating the attention of the male gaze, i'm not waiting on a text or heart broken over a man.

I don't know how I got here but right in this spot my soul is at peace.
That hyper girl that I was is still here, still ready to turn up, still ready to spread all the love that I have onto a willing partner or game for an adventure. 

But right now she's here in this computer chair, downtown Seattle smiling like she's in love.
I am, I am in love with this life that I built because no one else was going to build it for me.