Noise.

I sat on my bed today, wiping my face and putting my duvet back together.
Four days away and my apartment was a tip, I washed dishes, vacuumed and rearranged my bed.
I looked at my cat who mewed quietly at me and I wondered.
Why am I not happy right now?

Long beach cradled me in a pillow of warmth, sun, side kisses on the cheek, hugs and validation. I came home missing the grey skies and realizing that much of my time is carried out on my own.
I can't stress enough that I built this life for myself with so much help from my Grandmother and Aunt but the interviews, the jobs, the talking and the networking was me.

The high of highs comes with the low of lows. When playtime is over and you have to go back to work and struggling a bit, I didn't miss that part.

That hustle has it's dips and it's rises. That need for validation, to create but to stifle yourself because you're just not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, enough.

I don't want pity.
I really don't know what I want.
I sat at my break looking up from my phone.
I am so lucky to have this job but my energy is always low.
They don't call it a hustle for no reason.

I guess I have to keep carving away at my path.
I'm not done yet.

Micro aggressions

The way that I handle mistakes is so different then when I was a child, I feel as though when I was younger my behavior was far more like a sponge. I absorbed, I learned, I would fuck up and move on.

Today anxiety is much less forgiving , today I hopped on the bus at what I thought was a decent hour to get to work on time. (7:17) I sat on the bus drifting, my brain reduced to MIssy Elliot mush. When I looked back at my phone and in shock it was 8:36.

I was late to work. Again.

My boss said nothing but this isn't the time to be fucking up the only job I have. I got to work enraged with myself, I spent almost two hours mulling over how I had fucked up and just hyper focused on my job.

Later in the evening I was given contradictory instructions. Prior to what a previous colleague told me, I grit my teeth and agreed to complete it as it is expected swallowing Down a very solid pill that my time for learning and mistakes is very near its end. I am impressing no one, especially not myself.

Yes I've found flaws but with contradictory explanations my head is reeling.

So on top of not being a golden child anymore at work I go to my "thing" and the tension is so thick. There is no break to make it better, I can't make it better. I can't fix it and it gets to me. It's even more painful when after a verbal whiplash somehow anything is supposed to get us excited.

I have my self doubts, I have my self doubts about so many things, what I dare to put on the Internet and the passions I pursue that don't love me back. I don't feel love, real love, I feel pleasure in what I gave up, gave in. 

What a shitty feeling. That truly makes me question why I'm doing this because I haven't done many things for myself in a long time. 

Take a break

I guess much like Hamilton i'm not very good at this. For the first time in a while I had a weekend where I was not obligated to go to a Charity Event since I had already put my hand in to help design.
I ended up volunteering myself because I really don't know what to do with myself if I'm not waking up at an unreasonable hour on a Saturday.

One day i'll learn.
Today I woke up and my left eye felt like it was on fire so today at work is going to be interesting.
Last night was the first meet up with HOLA an organization for the representation of the latino community on the Microsoft campus. I felt honored, I felt moved to be there and see these people speak. Speak with accents, without accents and just this rainbow of latino's on stage.

I never saw a piece of myself reflected here, only some of the janitors, politely smiling at me as they worked their faces off but never another full time employee.

until yesterday.