Where will you be when anxiety strikes?

Deadlines.

New stunts.

Graphic design.

All of these things terrify me and people showing me new opportunities to fail.. Always stresses me out. Or perhaps an opportunity to thrive? I know daily I fail so much. Fail to update. Fail to get up earlier or shower. Fail.

Fail to maintain friendships or meet deadlines where I know I could of nailed a  project. I only stand in my own way, just sometimes it's so hard for me to see the finished product.

They say to do something every day that scares you.

I am petrified.

I shake Everytime I have a girl in the air, I shake my head whenever someone suggests me for design.

My biggest fear is everyone realizing how much of a coward I am.

I will never grow if I don't try.

Yes, I am a coward but I will try.

This is me trying.

It's a long way home

Do you ever pause to sit with yourself and wonder if you had a terrible time because of your circumstances or if the horrifying was that it was in fact your attitude?

I felt a wave of warmth over my forehead when I got the phone call, hot embarrassment on my cheeks. This was the start of my Friday. My judgement calls are not always solid but to have someone I really respect need to let me know that a situation had gotten out of hand because of a judgement call I had made was even more so.

Behaviors of other people do not reflect on me, I understand this but that wash of guilt still sat with me.

For a better part of a week and a half I feel as though I have been fighting off a cold, a flu or an allergy I don't know. My deductible is far too high to pay a doctor a visit so hopefully with new job and perhaps some health insurance I can visits doctor and see what is going on.

I feel lethargic, I get that spark back when I'm in the gym but it comes back and of course now that it's all over my neck is all wonky from how I slept last night so you can imagine how just grumpy my body must feel. 

I was listening to an audio book honestly to help my stank ass attitude "how to win friends and influence people." By Carnegie and one of the basics was that "if you can't make someone's day better don't make it worse." 

Boy have I broken that rule so many times this week. 

Essentially it comes down to a comedy of body errors. I don't think I'm trying hard enough to truly believe mind of matter so perhaps I'll try again today.

And the day after that.

Play

This weekend I finished Shonda Rhimes audiobook "Year of Yes." What a fantastic life changing read, I thoroughly recommend it if you feel stuck..

Because...Boy, I did. Before Lent I think that I was stuck in time, reminiscing over things I could not change and behaviours that I refused to.
I felt as though I finally had permission to "play." Like I finally understood that trying to be productive 100% of the time was destroying me, my creativity and rehashing the anxiety I had been working so hard to conquer.

Friday night I triumphantly conquered 30 minutes of high intensity Elliptical, staring forward finding a spot to focus on while I willed my limbs to move on and on, shoving down the steps so that I could get one step closer to strong. One step closer to staring down and seeing my toes. One step closer to redefining my muscles and feeling good about the body that I had so easily abused.

I don't recall when but there was a point in time where my self esteem was gone.
Maybe along the lines of gaining 35 pounds in the span of a year I began to dwindle. I was sleep, work, binge eat and sleep some more. I was coffee in the morning, no breakfast and work.

When I stepped on the scale I could see myself heading towards bigger and bigger shirts, pant sizes and hating my self more and more. This was my glass ceiling, No one can love you the way that you do.

I always jokingly say to love yourself the way that kanye west loves kanye. Yet, I have taken care of so many other people EXCEPT myself. I am willing to donate close to 6-8 hours a day for charity but can hardly donate 15 minutes to peace of mind and a breath of air.

The buck stops somewhere, some audio composer once told me at a GDC practice.
I think it's amazing how this can apply in so many ways, in so many places.

This week my life might change forever, I just have to put in the time.

Not only the time, but my faith. The faith I had the first day of school, the faith that I had sitting with my grandmother at church and knowing that I could turn this around. The faith I had when I stepped on the elliptical and knew that I could make it even if it was only 30 minutes.

I only have so many chances to get my foot in the door, to jump in and pure fucking luck.
I'm not going to mess that up again.

I got to do things my own way darling

Last night as I was cooking I could feel my great grandmother. She was always more of a home maker. Rigid, religious and beautiful she power housed her way in Guatemala but fell every time she started to succeed.

Abuelita Juana was a budding entrepreneur. Which is hard when you have 7 kids.

I put down my knife momentarily listening and finally I said "I forgive you."

I feel like I must explain, I am spiritual but not religious. Not as I once was, I see the beauty in praying, meditation but I also hold firm my position as an Allie within the LGBTQA community. Sometimes being apart of an organized religion does not coincide with peace.

Anyhow, Abuelita knew how to hustle , to constantly create ways to support a family on her own.

I could feel her hustle, I know what it's like to not only need to succeed on your own but crave it.

So, the feeling stayed with me all night and all morning. I'm listening universe.

You have the mic now so talk to me.

Warmth, Sun and a Cat.

7:45

7:45 is the latest I can leave my apartment and make it to my shift at 9am on time.
I turned to my right to say goodbye to my cat, because well. Cat Mom.
Artemis was sprawled over several (yes several) pillows on the couch and winked slowly as I closed the door and locking it.

My walk to the bus stop is typically filled with Kanye's new album or Alexander Hamilton. Both seem to set up the type of day I should be expecting and I walk, rather heavy footed past the shops. The city is beginning to wake up, I see the construction workers begin and the shelter prop opens it's doors, The business folks huddle their coffee to their chests as they climb up the stairs to the ominous onyx colored building. I pass that too, the Cinerama on my right I cross the street and watch the parking garage tenants chat and the wind of course chooses this time to  blow a little bit harder. On my right is a bed, bath and beyond my budget. A lady who is only in town briefly rolls her noisy luggage across the street and down the road I watch my bus pass. Ah well, another one will be by in five minutes or so.

Payday fridays are slightly different, I leave the house a little earlier to grab a latte for myself only to baby sip it at work 45 minutes later (traffic willing.)

Today I let my mind wander, since I had a coffee cup in my hand at the time I didn't have the where with all to blog single handedly. (my compliments if you do.)

Fast forward to the present, I have no appetite and I'm sure another cold is headed my way. Another downside to working in a lab. Tomorrow is the St.Patrick's Day parade and nerves taunt me as pray that my knees will permit me to move so quickly.

I practiced jumps last evening in front of the mirror, pleading my legs to go higher and higher, sucking in my stomach and bracing for impact on the way down.

My life is experienced moment by moment, which can be infuriating for someone as impatient as I am. Tuesday I made it pause, I stopped it all together to draw and I wish I could do that all the time.
I wish I even had the financial stability and backing to do it and that I could even ask for something like that.

A squeaky wheel gets the oil.

I took a day off of work.

I couldn't do it this morning.
I didn't WANT to do it this morning.

I felt this paralyzing feeling as I stared at the heap of clothing on the floor dreading the walk to the bus and ultimately the screeching, kazoo honking noises of Seattle traffic.

I am privileged in a way where the rules of my job are simply show up, well. In any case as a trainer to set them up for success and I have and in the throws of it completely thrown off of my goals as an Artist. I haven't drawn really in days, nothing sincerely and certainly no finished pieces.

So today this morning as I played my sitcoms I had a moment of clarity.
"I'm not going in today "  I texted Jamie and she conceded, She wanted to take a day off for Art as well.

I sit here listening to Moonlight Sonata and flipping through the pages of my planner at all the plans I had made, the scheduling I had done for Art that never came to fruition so maybe this blog is another distraction but so far I now have the most up to date 3D software.

Let me just start by saying it has been a comedy of errors since this morning.. None of my software packages are up to date and when I at least tried to open up photoshop to draw while the installations were occurring my pen was dead.

FINE.

I'll do a massive reprint of my business cards and keep my chin up, if anything today was a moment to catch up on some rest and Art that i've been neglecting. I haven't been able to truly focus on the form or fix my proportions as I promised Matt and Emily.

I've worked hard enough to have a life that I don't need a vacation from, I work as a QA tester, I can wear what I please, eat what I want and now I sort of oversee the new hires but I am still now where I want to be. I was inspired by a friend who began to take her Art career with the sincerity and respect it deserved and I think it's time for me to do much of the same and if the weather holds up perhaps I'll go somewhere and paint like i've been aching to do for a while. Here in the PNW however, doing anything outside is gambling.

House always wins. 

Wurk

* This post discusses an eating disorder.
In NO way am I glamouring or proposing that this is ongoing or encouraged. 

The most problematic part about owning a blog I feel I must keep a stiff upper lip when it comes to difficult times or be super dramatic. If anything a week is never one way, mostly it's up and down. Sometimes you'll have moments of triumph, a Boss agreeing to a raise and you'll have moments of defeat, showing up to work with your yoga pants inside out. Oh yeah, that happened.

I suppose moment by moment you're reminded about how flawed, how helplessly human you are.
flawed, ditzy, determined and scared you'll fuck everything up. Being a woman who is now placed in a position of job authority I have to assert my own dominance in a different way, I can't be soft all the time but my approach with teaching is. I want  to have more patience but I think yesterday I sort of backed out of leading in my own head.

I didn't have the patience for doing much in the last two days and if anything feeling COLD didn't help my emotional stability.

Tuesday; I felt welts of tears coming to my eyes because my anxiety kicked in. Suddenly I didn't was very aware I'd be on camera and taken video of and I didn't want to see myself on film or be the fattest cheerleader on the squad.

Mind you, this has never kept me from performing a stunt. This has never prevented me from doing a parade or catching a cradle.

but I see it.
I feel it and it keeps me from eating breakfast in the morning, it keeps me from allowing myself to feel full and feeds the ID. Her, Ana, and old habits die hard.
Feeling hungry at one point felt better than feeling fat.

When I was in middle school I dropped almost four pant sizes down to an 8 and people kept complimenting me on my figure and that became addictive. People were nice to you if you weren't fat. What they didn't know at the time, my parents were divorcing and my mother would neglect to feed us.

So the ugly truth is in that with emotional instability and control resurfaces old habits that should of died within paintings and drawings. Yet with little to no outlet during the weekdays I try to let it go in blogs and daily planning.

I get why Kesha is dying without creating, if I was not allowed to create content I would too.
So that the clinking skeletons in my closet can be fleshed out and in it I can replace it with colorful clothing and remember where I came from.

Mother Theresa

Patience I am not.

I sat today here with my hands covering my nose, trying to still my irritation and calmly telling myself that I have no control.

This eased my mood,caused me to realign myself because ultimately I ended up having a conversation where I passed the responsibility.

With change comes a different set of rules and some I have to abide by to keep the team safe.

My career in the end is at the top of my priority list, if you stand in the way of my success I will pray for you.

So here I am, legs folded as podcast fills my ears and I try to recenter my focus on what lies ahead of me.

The wind is wiping wildly outside, the only real way I can tell is the flickering of lights.there are no windows in the lab.

I cannot control what happens around me just the same as I cannot control the weather.

Stormy.