Two weeks of (F)unemployment

It started as an initial surprise.
I didn't know that I was going to have a two week unpaid break between now and January and my stomach tensed when I heard about it. There is talk of the contract extending to march but ultimately there is no promise so here I am dabbling away wondering when i'll get enough energy to update my resume again and jump through the hoops again to land myself an interview.

If anything i'm almost elated, I haven't truly had a summer-vacation-like break like this since.. highschool? The upside is that unemployment can help out as long as I search for three jobs each week. Thank GOD I pay taxes because this is the only thing saving my ass from eviction.  It's as if the world it self is sitting me down and saying "Becca, now is the time. to start. Your career in video games, possible youtube. Just create you have two full weeks."

Shit.

I may just start an album I haven't had a moment of peace ever since..
ever since ever? The minute I graduated college in 13' I had this sinking feeling that I would step back into where I was before and by god I did. I had the coziest call center job that made me want to kill myself, call after call, minute after minute.

I learned to watch minutes when I was a security guard. I learned to write erotica when I was the most bored but even that well has dried up. Especially when there's little to zero sexual tension in my life currently. Mayhaps internet interactions but let's be real, it pales in comparison to the static electricity one feels in person.

The clock is ticking for me 2 weeks. 7 days. something-math amount of hours until I am back at work and sobered from the New Years extravaganza. My saving grace would be my friends, the ones who break me out of this cycle that I built for myself and thought I must admit i'll miss the day to day work experience I can do without that excruciatingly long commute.

In the past i've never sympathized really with people who do have had to deal with traffic but ultimately now I know-- good gracious me sitting is a privilege at this point on that bus. Even still, even more infuriating is the ruthless driver who slams the breaks full well and knowing there are people who are so imbalanced from the way that the bus is designed. I know, this is so first worldy but good lord, I fell. I fell hard and I don't know what, maybe it was my pride that was broken or my ass but I couldn't just  get up this time and laugh it off. I hurt alot of people coming down and I was ass over tea kettle. I could feel the slam on my back and spine. If I had health insurance i'd go to the doctor but ey, everything seems to be working fine and i'm not exactly peeing blood.

I suppose I should start from the very beginning.
Becca why do that? will you have much to blog about? Eh let's try.

Earlier this year was a very  different version of me, I had been well seated in the 6am time slot for answering calls from over worked, over budgeted and over privileged New Yorkers and east coast folks who would scream at me when their packages were missing. I was Nordstrom's own personal punching  bag, for the most part people were not so awful. I mean in the evening, or you'd have creepers. Perverts who'd call in and wack off to the sound of your own voice but I digress--
Perverts I can handle, screaming southern belles not so much.

Somehow within a job that I barely tolerated I got promoted, Well I put my best foot forward but I couldn't keep up. I couldn't do two jobs at once and was on the verge of being canned by a Supervisor whom I couldn't read. She grinned ear to ear but in her eyes I could see her anticipating eventually cutting the rope.

I didn't want to let that happen and with the grace of God, a friend who reached out and many resume entries I finally found my calling.

So this is what led to me sitting here today, in a storm trooper onesie listening to the rain outside, the heater on blast, the cat preening himself beside me and for once, for very once I am writing this blog without any music or movie to distract me. For almost two years i've wanted nothing more than to be distracted from the fact that I wasn't pursuing my dream.

Let me tell you boys and girls that was certainly no way to live and I was truly dying inside.

Ultimately we must look to the past, the mistakes, the smiles and tears to move forward. The first day I was told I don't have to clock in or out just log my hours, show up on time and I could use the bathroom as I wished.

I was suddenly embraced and welcomed by a team of bright eyed, kind people and I didn't know what to do. I huddled myself away, I kept quiet and did my job. I closed myself off because of all the silencing retail had taught me but to my surprise this didn't shoo them away and i'm glad it didn't.

I'm incredibly guarded because of all the work i've done in retail. I met so many amazing people in it but I never learned how to be myself at work. I think it was more of a protective measure really.

(pause for a greedy slurp of eggnog in my drip coffee at 7:32 at night.)

Graciously being welcomed into open arms is so foreign to me, like a melting hug, like a compliment these are all something that I fail to truly commute because i've learned to close myself right up.

Beautiful, beautiful because I can sit here now knowing that I'm closer to my dream but I have a ways to go.

The start of this weekend is a breath for me, a time to dream, a time to cry and create and play.
I haven't really sat down and played video games for more than a handful of hours because i've had other things to do.

I've been awarded time and I cannot wait to see what gets done because of it.