12/27

I got the notification for my internet that if i didn't pay it would be disconnected.
funny thing is that i feel more urgent to pay that then my student loans.

One part of me isn't sure about this unemployment business and the other part of me knows that I haven't been as productive as I should of been, I've since finished two games. I've drawn a bit and even opened up some maya models to tinker around with.

I keep getting the urge to blog and sometimes when I open it up what I want to say nothing really comes out. Nothing profound anyway but when you have a regular human being writing I guess you can't expect a whole lot.

Anyhow, it's 10:43 on a Sunday and i'm watching The Good Dinosaur. borrowing from the internet as you do. I got comfortable with the idea of this little guy keeping both of his parents and I suppose that was on me.

Man I don't know if i have had quite enough heart wrenching stories told today but good christ.
Its harder and harder to stomach the quiet in my house. I live alone in a 300 sq. ft apartment in belltown. The silence is almost deafening compared to the active squelching of the belltown party goers outside. That was me once but i've found with age, experience and a whole lot of clubbing my anxiety spiked and I wasn't too fond of being cold all the time. Shaved legs weren't worth it if i were being felt up by yet another creepy hispanic man who came to chin height.

I digress.

I keep my brown ass at home, indulging in pixar movies, way too much pie (fuck it we got one more holiday left. )  and the fierce clacking of keys that do little to starve the twitching attentive ear of my sleeping black cat.

I don't have a measure anymore of what is productive enough for a single day.
I suppose it was my fault for not giving goals to set but i've been fighting 3D again. that needs to be squashed, it was one of my greatest weaknesses but maybe watching some of these movies might inspire me that i earned that degree and i'm not a complete failure at it.

Exclusiveness and Dating

Every single piece of technology I have right now wants to update.
Oh man, even this mac laptop i'm on has that urge so this might be short and sweet.

Take a deep aggravated breath because the holidays are winding down and I am so very tired of needing to "be somewhere." rush to get there and wait.
rush to get here and wait.

I felt my anxiety spike when i was with family this holiday

Day #2

Tuesday
Today is the second day of unemployment  and the fourth day of well.. me.

I'm sitting in my apartment after just having sushi with my best friends and it strikes me that every year we get a bit closer to what we hope seals the deal. I haven't put as much effort into Art as I had wished in this time that i've been off work but it's so odd slipping so easily into doing nothing.

We live in a world where constantly being productive is seen as noble, tiring but it makes me wonder what is actual work. I have been so distant from my creative cycle that I find nooks and crannies to fill it in but I don't know anymore what my best time of day to work is... or even what environment.

Just now I had to turn off the t.v. to even focus on writing this blog let alone what to type. Well, let's be real the issue has never been what to say, what to write. I somehow have always had this rolodex onto what topics I could bring. Simply because I spend so much time on my own. Keeping my little brain occupied with what to do next.. The one alarming thing is simply that I have a very hard time doing nothing at all.

Today started a bit later, I woke up at 10 am from a heated dream of playing rugby. I didn't know the rules as I do now and I was in the midst of a battle. From there I decided to stop playing the Stick of truth and get my ass outside. I dropped off the package for Euan at the USPS where the gentlemen was of the utmost patience.

Another younger man and I didn't seem to have our shit together and were both sending off international packages. I didn't have a pen for the customs form and he apparently has never sent a box off. We were so out of place and the line kept growing, the man who rung me up didn't stir or get huffy he just shook his head at us 80's babies and sent me on my way.

Today was brisk, a sweater and vest was enough to bite off the chill but I run pretty warm when i'm galavanting about the city. The city of Seattle is probably my favorite part.
It tells a story, amongst the patches of grey in the sky are broken by tall streaming metal buildings with big pane windows that reflect the clouds. I'm in love with the honking of traffic and the hideous display of wedding dresses that I could never afford. The palace that they call a hotel, something out of abu dhabi that is splashed in the middle of grey concrete. I love this place, I love Seattle just outside of pike place and West Lake. The area that is closer to the Seattle public library that reminds me so much of gotham.

From there I dropped off my werewolf erotica (oh if only i was joking.) and head home. I racked my brain with present probabilities but even with my best of luck and a good amount of footing beneath me, I'm pretty sure mama's just telling me telepathically to stop buying stuff. I get it, she's worried and I should be but I love being able to guess what she might like and I like being right even more.
My last stop was at Aveda. getting my aunt exactly what she loves is a preference of mind. A very kind trans woman asked me if i needed help and provided some chamomile tea, the customer service experience in Seattle is unlike anything else. It's a bit corny but often times you're wined and dined.

I guess it makes sense since so few people interact with one another so we get the affection we crave from a complete stranger at Nordstrom or tinder. either or.

I brought it back home and was out of things to do.
Well not exactly, there is UI stuff to do but I have no idea what I can provide for this video game yet or if he'll hate so .. anyway.

Later in the evening I went to sushi. We laughed and stuffed ourselves full and I had to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with not seeing anyone just yet. I just truly have no idea what i'm doing, I don't know if i want to be hurt again just yet. Even if being hurt was a while ago.

I wont relive in this blog since i've typed and retyped but essentially my heart was broken in April.
I lost a friend and we will leave it at that.

Anyhow,
the dating scene here is fine but more often then not the people I fancy have someone else in mind.
rinse. lather. repeat.

good god.

flash forward to now, the heater is on high and the league is muted so i can focus.
focus-- how did i get so terrible at that ?
I sit at my computer with photoshop open and nothing comes out.

I could have 30 minutes at lunch and type up a story, or make dozens of sketches but not at home with time as my leisure.

silence.

I can only imagine what Leonardo Da Vinci must of dealt with.

Two weeks of (F)unemployment

It started as an initial surprise.
I didn't know that I was going to have a two week unpaid break between now and January and my stomach tensed when I heard about it. There is talk of the contract extending to march but ultimately there is no promise so here I am dabbling away wondering when i'll get enough energy to update my resume again and jump through the hoops again to land myself an interview.

If anything i'm almost elated, I haven't truly had a summer-vacation-like break like this since.. highschool? The upside is that unemployment can help out as long as I search for three jobs each week. Thank GOD I pay taxes because this is the only thing saving my ass from eviction.  It's as if the world it self is sitting me down and saying "Becca, now is the time. to start. Your career in video games, possible youtube. Just create you have two full weeks."

Shit.

I may just start an album I haven't had a moment of peace ever since..
ever since ever? The minute I graduated college in 13' I had this sinking feeling that I would step back into where I was before and by god I did. I had the coziest call center job that made me want to kill myself, call after call, minute after minute.

I learned to watch minutes when I was a security guard. I learned to write erotica when I was the most bored but even that well has dried up. Especially when there's little to zero sexual tension in my life currently. Mayhaps internet interactions but let's be real, it pales in comparison to the static electricity one feels in person.

The clock is ticking for me 2 weeks. 7 days. something-math amount of hours until I am back at work and sobered from the New Years extravaganza. My saving grace would be my friends, the ones who break me out of this cycle that I built for myself and thought I must admit i'll miss the day to day work experience I can do without that excruciatingly long commute.

In the past i've never sympathized really with people who do have had to deal with traffic but ultimately now I know-- good gracious me sitting is a privilege at this point on that bus. Even still, even more infuriating is the ruthless driver who slams the breaks full well and knowing there are people who are so imbalanced from the way that the bus is designed. I know, this is so first worldy but good lord, I fell. I fell hard and I don't know what, maybe it was my pride that was broken or my ass but I couldn't just  get up this time and laugh it off. I hurt alot of people coming down and I was ass over tea kettle. I could feel the slam on my back and spine. If I had health insurance i'd go to the doctor but ey, everything seems to be working fine and i'm not exactly peeing blood.

I suppose I should start from the very beginning.
Becca why do that? will you have much to blog about? Eh let's try.

Earlier this year was a very  different version of me, I had been well seated in the 6am time slot for answering calls from over worked, over budgeted and over privileged New Yorkers and east coast folks who would scream at me when their packages were missing. I was Nordstrom's own personal punching  bag, for the most part people were not so awful. I mean in the evening, or you'd have creepers. Perverts who'd call in and wack off to the sound of your own voice but I digress--
Perverts I can handle, screaming southern belles not so much.

Somehow within a job that I barely tolerated I got promoted, Well I put my best foot forward but I couldn't keep up. I couldn't do two jobs at once and was on the verge of being canned by a Supervisor whom I couldn't read. She grinned ear to ear but in her eyes I could see her anticipating eventually cutting the rope.

I didn't want to let that happen and with the grace of God, a friend who reached out and many resume entries I finally found my calling.

So this is what led to me sitting here today, in a storm trooper onesie listening to the rain outside, the heater on blast, the cat preening himself beside me and for once, for very once I am writing this blog without any music or movie to distract me. For almost two years i've wanted nothing more than to be distracted from the fact that I wasn't pursuing my dream.

Let me tell you boys and girls that was certainly no way to live and I was truly dying inside.

Ultimately we must look to the past, the mistakes, the smiles and tears to move forward. The first day I was told I don't have to clock in or out just log my hours, show up on time and I could use the bathroom as I wished.

I was suddenly embraced and welcomed by a team of bright eyed, kind people and I didn't know what to do. I huddled myself away, I kept quiet and did my job. I closed myself off because of all the silencing retail had taught me but to my surprise this didn't shoo them away and i'm glad it didn't.

I'm incredibly guarded because of all the work i've done in retail. I met so many amazing people in it but I never learned how to be myself at work. I think it was more of a protective measure really.

(pause for a greedy slurp of eggnog in my drip coffee at 7:32 at night.)

Graciously being welcomed into open arms is so foreign to me, like a melting hug, like a compliment these are all something that I fail to truly commute because i've learned to close myself right up.

Beautiful, beautiful because I can sit here now knowing that I'm closer to my dream but I have a ways to go.

The start of this weekend is a breath for me, a time to dream, a time to cry and create and play.
I haven't really sat down and played video games for more than a handful of hours because i've had other things to do.

I've been awarded time and I cannot wait to see what gets done because of it.